Giveaway!

Yes! A giveaway! It's a book I read recently, called Cinderella Ate My Daughter, by bestselling author and journalist Peggy Orenstein.

Do you ever have those "stop the world, I'm getting off" moments? Reading the press release for this book gave me several of those. For example:

• Walmart introduced an anti-aging make-up line for 8-12 year olds
• JCPenney released a T-shirt that read "I'm too pretty to do homework so my brother has to do it for me"
• Disney Princess products generated $4 billion in 2009 (it was a mere $300 million in 2000).

This is what the publicity for the book says:

"More and more, parents are deluged with products that teach their girls that the sexes are fundamentally different, that the most important thing for girls is to be pretty (and later "hot"), and that "girl power" is expressed by having the most stuff... The pursuit of physical perfection has been recast as the source of female empowerment, and commercialization has spread the message faster and farther, reaching girls at ever-younger ages... The potential negative impact of this new girlie-girl culture is undeniable."

I loved the book. It's easy to read, funny, judgmental where it needs to be and non-judgmental when it comes to the everyday struggles of individual parents. It's sensible and is the kind of thing that gives feminism a good name. I loved the stories of where Peggy Orenstein went, in the name of research (a toddler beauty pageant, a Miley Cyrus concert, the American Girl store). I tell you, if she lived next door, I'd be round there for a cup of tea every other day. I love a good story. In fact, I think I'm going to buy the house next door and have her move in.

I did meet her a few weeks ago actually (so on the basis of that, she would probably be totally up for the moving-in-next-door idea). She came from classy California to our little flyover state to give a talk, promoted by the Girl Scouts, who, incidentally, are much more fabulous than I gave them credit for. Turns out they are all about building girls' courage, confidence and character, and have an advocacy program dealing with all these kinds of important concerns.

I know, I know. Lots of you are sitting there thinking "Iota. There are more important issues out there. Don't get your knickers in a twist." (I just have to throw in that expression, because (a) American readers love British expressions like that and (b) I miss using it in everyday speech.) But it's an issue I feel strongly about. And pretty much everything I feel about it is in Cinderella Ate My Daughter.

I have three copies to give away. Thank you Harper Collins. You can enter simply by leaving a comment, by the end of Tuesday, March 13th. I will pick three winners using a random number generator. Please don't think that if you have sons and not daughters, that this book isn't for you. It is. Your son's way of looking at women is as prone to manipulation as your daughter's way of being one. If you don't have children, it's just a darn good read.

By the way, if you're an American living in Britain and you win, you can request an inexpensive mailable item (Cheezits, Rice-a-Roni, a double-ended Sharpie - whatever it is you're jonesing after), and I'll pop it in the parcel with the book. Provided you write "knickers in a twist" in the comments. Come on. Cross that cultural divide.

Hello, Lego Team! Thank you for your views

The PR company said:

Dear Iota,

Thank you for your response in regards to our invite to the LEGO Friends event, firstly please accept our sincere apologies, although we would have loved to have you there obviously travelling from the US would be a little extreme! We've updated our UK correspondence list and will ensure to pass on your details to the US team so they can keep you updated of any future events.

That aside, you raised some very interesting points in your blog post and here at LEGO we welcome all feedback so wanted to take this opportunity to respond to these and address any concerns you may have about the Friends range.

At LEGO we believe in providing all children a choice when it comes to the way they play and what they choose to play with. It is this belief which continually drives us to develop the LEGO play experience to ensure it continues to cater to all children, their passions and interests.

Although LEGO is well loved by children all over the world the fact remains that it does predominantly appeal more to boys than girls. In fact, in the US, only 9% of active LEGO households indicate that a girl is the primary user and in the UK it is 18%. Statistics tell us that the vast majority of girls feel that LEGO doesn't offer a play experience that caters to their needs and interests as they grow. In short, girls have for many years now asked for more from the LEGO range.

So after four years of extensive research, during which time we spoke to thousands of girls and parents across the world, we were proud to launch LEGO Friends to the market. The research helped us to shape the range that exists today and we have gone to great lengths to try to ensure it encompasses everything they asked for. One of the main things to come out of the research was that girls wanted a product that mirrored all the constuction elements of the LEGO whilst also combining the opportunity for realistic, character-based role-play and creativity.

Our research also told us what we already know, that all girls are different, they have different needs, interests, passions and ambitions. We hoped by creating a variety of settings and scenarios within Friends, which allow for a whole host of different play experiences, girls will find something that resonates with them - whether that's animals, science, design, inventions, cars, music, art, cooking, exploration or simply building their own mini treehouse – LEGO Friends offers something for them to engage with.

Whilst the construction experience remains exactly the same as any other LEGO product, we have added some new coloured bricks into the range including blues, purples and greens (interestingly pink has existed within the LEGO range for quite a few years now). We also added in smaller details including stickers and accessories to allow for further customisation of the sets, again something girls had expressed an interest in. LEGO's ultimate goal is to invite more girls to enjoy the LEGO play and build experience and we hope that the new LEGO Friends range does exactly that.

We're always happy to hear feedback so if you have any more questions or would like to hear more from us please do let us know.

Kind regards,
L

And I replied:

Dear L

Thank you very much for giving Lego the opportunity to address the points I made in my recent blog post. There are a number of interesting comments on the post, which you might like to feed back to Lego.

It's a complicated issue, isn't it? Lego researches the market, and gives girls what they want. I really can't quibble with that. But of course to a large extent, children want what they're told they want by a whole range of people, among whom are the toy companies. Girls have been - is 'brainwashed' too strong a word? - to be somewhat stereotypical in their desires.

As mothers, we want them to know that the world is a big place and we want to extend rather than narrow their imaginations. I'm pleased that the Friends range does contain "a variety of settings and scenarios". At least the Friends predominant colour is purple, not pink, and it's not too sparkly (from what I've seen). I suppose that's something. There's an Invention Workshop in there alongside the Cafe, the Stage, and the Splash Pool - I hope that proves to be the most popular, but I won't hold my breath on that one.

In my opinion, Lego is fielding some of the backlash that is (hurrah) starting to swell against the pink girlie-girl vacuous culture that seems to dominate the toy and media worlds. It's probably because Lego is such a trusted brand. None of us would get upset about Mattel bringing out a new range of girl toys in which five BFFs can explore beauty shops and fashion design studios, because that's what Mattel does. I guess it just feels worse from Lego. Sorry, Lego. Perhaps we have you on too much of a (moulded plastic) pedestal.

Thank you for your reply, which I am posting on my blog.

Best wishes

Iota

Hello, Lego Team! I'd love to hear your views

Aaargh... I have a thousand things to do other than blogging this morning. I want to leave that "Alcohol" post as my top post because I've had lots of comments and they're all really interesting. But... I just have to post this. I'm all riled up.

[PLEASE, if you read the "Alcohol" post and have something to say, leave a comment, even if it looks like it's Iota's yesterday's news. I am really interested.]

I've been approached by a PR company (which makes me sound like one of those proper bloggers who get approached all the time, so I thought I'd just draw attention to that fact). I will share with you her email and my reply, and let them speak for themselves. And once you've read them, you can read another post here which puts it well.

Hi

I hope you are well

We are keen to get in touch to invite you to a special event on the morning of Friday 10th February to showcase the new LEGO Friends range.

Please join us between 9am-12pm for morning tea at The Spatisserie at The Dorchester Hotel where you will have access to our fantastic new range and the opportunity to meet the LEGO team and have all your questions answered.

Please see our invite below for further information and please let us know if you would like to attend asap as space is limited .

It would be great to see you there.

Best Wishes

A

And I replied:

Hi A

I would love to join you, but unfortunately I live in the US, so won't be able to.

Did you know that Lego has received 45,000 letters from parents, regretting that they are targeting girls in a way that reinforces stereotypes? The "Friends" range gives the idea that girlhood is about shopping and beauty. I lament the days when Lego promoted their blocks as if girls and boys could both enjoy them as equals. If you had a daughter, which would you rather she did? Played with a Lego set which gave her the message that she could build and explore just like a boy? Or played with a Lego set which gave her the message that if she wants to build and explore, it had better be in pink or purple, and it had better be about spas and pedicures? Imaginative play encourages children to think for themselves, and be creative, and dream. It seems to me a shame that girls are sent the message that their dreams take place within such limited parameters.

I would absolutely love to meet the Lego team and talk to them. Since I can't be there in person, if you saw fit to give one of them a copy of my email, I would be really interested to hear their reply. I understand that they are in the business of selling toys, not of broadening the horizons of girls, but I would like to give them the opportunity at least to pause and think about this issue.

I have been planning to do a blog post about the Lego "Friends" range. It seems courteous to give the Lego team an opportunity to give me their views before I do so.

I am attaching three photos of Lego sets in days gone by. Have a look at them alongside the packaging of Lego "Friends", and tell me which you think sends a more positive message to girls. I know I'm not alone in my opinions. 45,000 other parents feel the same (and if that figure is wrong, then I'm glad to give the Lego team an opportunity to correct me).

Best wishes

Iota

[Postscript: I was wrong about Lego having received 45,000 letters - I thought that sounded unlikely. That figure comes from a petition to Lego, which you can find here. I was the 51,968th signatory, so the number is going up. Don't you love it when the internet gives you a voice?]

More book recommendations

What a fabulous idea for a sequel to Monsieur Saguette and his Baguette from Not waving but ironing (whose blog title reminds me of my own former moniker). Mrs Ruffins and her Wholemeal Muffins. I love it. I can picture her now, a cheerful, homely, English lady, who has as many imaginative uses for her muffins as Monsieur Saguette does for his baguette. She will go on holiday to France, where she will meet and fall in love with the man and his impressive French stick, and marry him. They will live happily ever after, or whatever the French equivalent is. They’ll have children: Mademoiselle Ciabatta, and her brother, le petit Roland, known as Cinnamon Rol. They’ll have two dogs called Crumpet and Scone, and a cat called Sourdough Puss.

I didn’t warn you, by the way, when I was recommending Monsieur Saguette and his Baguette, not to get the book if you are the kind of parent who balks at explaining to their child what an armed robber is, or how it can be ok, in a work of fiction, to eat bread that has been utilised to effect an escape from the city sewers, via a manhole.

But while we’re on the subject of books, people often ask me “Iota, do you know of any books for small children which have positive role models for girls?” Actually, they don’t… but they should, because it just so happens I do. Such books are few and far between, when you think about the volume of printed media about princesses who waft around waiting for their prince to come, managing only to kiss a few frogs or kow-tow to a few evil relations in the meanwhile. Here are two, which I recommend heartily, if you’re the kind of mother who likes to swim against the pink and sparkly tide every now and again.

The book Princess Grace, by Mary Hoffman is great. It's a very thoughtful treatment of the whole issue. Grace is excited when she learns her class are to be in a parade, and she can dress up as a princess. With the teacher's help, the class starts researching princesses, and what it is that a princess actually does. There's a great line where Grace decides that sitting around in a pink floaty dress sounds very boring, and that she’d rather be the kind of princess who leads a bold and adventurous life. I always want to cheer at that point. I would recommend the book for age 4 and up.

The other book on this subject that I like is Princess Pigtoria and the Pea, by Pamela Duncan Edwards. The story starts in the traditional way, but [spoiler alert] in the morning, Pigtoria is so cross with the pig prince for putting a pea under her mattress, that she goes off with the pizza delivery pig instead. It’s funny, and the text is wittily full of words beginning with the letter ‘P’. “Panting, Pigtoria plunked onto her pillows”, for example. This is a book that a 2 year old could enjoy, but 6-yo still reads and likes it.

And if you want a film with a positive female lead, there’s always Shrek. Three cheers for Fiona, I say.

Boy talk

Oh dear, I’m well and truly hoist on my own petard on this one. No way out of it but to write my own post on raising boys in the post Girl Power era.

We are all very careful these days to bring our girls up to think the world is open to them. We call those stiff-jointed Playmobil people ‘firefighters’ not ‘firemen’, we carefully play female doctors with them, we explain how Barbie’s body shape is just for plastic people, not for real people. We try to be good role models, emphasizing that choice is all. We try to compensate for the generations of mothers who told their daughters “you can’t, you’re only a girl”.

Do we try as carefully for our boys? The scales have been weighted so far in their favour for so many generations, and we’ve been busy trying to redress the balance. Perhaps we need to pay attention to whether we may have started tipping them the other way.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this thought (which is why I was keen to read what someone else had written). It IS still a man’s world out there, for all the great strides that feminism has enabled women to take. But it’s not a boy’s world. It’s well documented that schools are places where girls naturally do better, and that is very evident at primary level. We prefer pupils who write neatly, colour between the lines, produce careful work, sit quietly when requested. What value do we place on the ability to figure out how things work by taking them apart, even if that means strewing the pieces around? Do we see the creative imagination behind a story about zombies in scrawling inch-high letters, when it’s on the classroom wall next to the ones about flowers and butterflies, in tiny beautiful writing with darling illustrations? Do we value the drive that makes it so important to be the fastest runner in the playground, or do we smirk to each other “boys are SO competitive” and make them play co-operatively instead?

I fear it starts long before school. As Someonesmrs commented, it’s all too easy for a gaggle of mums to denigrate boy-ness in a jokey way, saying “he’s such a boy” when a child does something daft. We say to each other “huh, men, typical” in front of our small children, and expect them to understand that we don’t really mean it, or not in a bad way at any rate. Do we take pains to make sure we say just as often “huh, women, typical”? I don’t think so.

I know I’ve told the story to girlfriends about the day Husband declared in exasperation “I can’t look after two children AND cook the dinner at the same time”, and enjoyed a communal girl laugh at his expense. Have I been careful not to tell the story in front of my boys? Is it really such a given that men can’t multi-task (yes), and if it is, do I want my sons to feel they’re second best because of it? I would be horrified if I thought my daughter felt second best because women are more emotional, or scatty, or liked shoes. I absolutely wouldn’t want Husband joking around with his friends about my womanly inadequacies in front of her, (and luckily he’s far too nice).

I suppose the bottom line is that children tend to pick up and internalize their parents’ attitudes. So if I think that girls should look pretty and keep quiet, marry doctors and not be them, then my daughters will assume that as the norm until they are of such an age when they can bring their own adult discernment to bear (and even then, they’ll still be deeply affected by it). If I, clad in my post-feminist war-paint, believe that it’s time men paid for the easy privileges they’ve enjoyed in the past, once we’ve scraped them off the soles of our shoes, then my sons will somehow have that burden put upon them. And actually my daughters too.

There we are. Petard duly hoisted with me on it. Did any of it strike a chord with anyone? Personally, I’m more the Bridget Jones generation than the Sex and the City generation. I was already a mother by the time the Spice Girls were telling men they had to get with their friends. So I’m not the best person to pontificate on girl power. Anyway, I’m too busy entertaining children AND cooking dinner.