We want the instruction manual. Remember those early days with a baby, when you thought "why doesn't it come with an instruction manual?". It's like that all over again. I don't know if it's our education system, or our nanny state, or just human nature, but it always feels like there's a right way of doing something, and our job is to find it. We know this isn't true, but somehow it feels like it is.
Where to look for the ultimate advice?
- A book - but which one to choose?
- A bunch of friends - but they all have slightly differing opinions, and there's that dangerous thing of asking a friend, and then deciding to ignore their advice.
- The science - which can help (folic acid during pregnancy, that was an easy one, once they'd worked out that the advice should be just to take a tablet and not to try to eat a small field of broccoli or spinach every day - which actually was the advice when it first came out and I should know because I was pregnant during that tiny window before the advice changed to a more manageable course of action), but can also be seriously anxiety-inducing (MMR jabs, anyone?), and disempowering (Vitamin K jabs for newborns - have they decided whether that is risk-free yet, or are parents still having to decide between the rare bruising disease and the unproven link with some childhood cancers?)
- Parents - can be complicated.
- Blogs - always good, but they don't know your children. Only you really know your children.
- Intuition - usually good, but I think we're a generation of parents who have totally lost faith in our own intuion.
- The Waltons. Yes. There's always a good parenting tip or two on The Waltons, and my friend has the complete box set readily available for borrowing. I am well set up.
Seriously, though. It is hard to be a parent of a teenager, and I'll tell you why. Because it plays on our own insecurities and fears. I'm guessing that few of us reached mature adult life (and I'm talking mid-twenties here) without some bumps and scrapes. Even though we may know that those were all part of a process, and though we may know that people get through and emerge ok, we are also hard-wired to protect our off-spring, and somehow we want them to have a smooth ride. Because if we had the instruction manual, and followed the instructions, then they would. Or so says the false voice in our heads.
I have found the whole Duke of Edinburgh thing very hard to navigate through....
At this point, I wrote a couple of paragraphs, explaining the exact circumstances. Then I realised that all I was doing was justifying myself to you. So I went back and deleted them. That's the very point I'm trying to make. I feel so out of my depth when I think about how to go about parenting this son of mine, that I just slip into self-justification mode. Because I don't want to fail. I want that instruction book, I want to follow it, and then no-one will be able to say I haven't done my best. But meanwhile, instead, I have a head full of questions that go round and round, and the gist of them is this: Have I prepared him enough? Have I done too much for him? How have I done, tightrope-walking that line between being over-protective and under-protective?
It brings back all those feelings that we went through (I say "we" because I don't think it's just me... I've read enough blogs about this...) when we were trying to do well with our babies and toddlers. That time in the park when your toddler fell over, and you picked him up, and your friend said "he needs to learn to get up on his own... otherwise he'll be too dependent on you". Or the GP who told you you were over-reacting when you thought your child was ill. Or that new mum group where it turned out that everyone else was doing x and you were doing y, and you'd been quite happy doing y until that moment, and then you went home and tried to do x instead, and it didn't work, and you didn't draw the conclusion that y was fine after all, but you felt like somehow you were getting it all wrong, and that it was your fault, and that you were letting your baby down.
16-yo is in London today (and this is one of the complications, that he arrives back at 10.00pm tonight and then goes off on the Duke of Ed trip tomorrow at 8.00am). He's been there for 3 nights, meeting up with a group from his old high school in America, who are on a trip to Europe. Before he went, I was so full of self-congratulation at how hands-off I am as a parent, and how he will find his own way and learn from his mistakes, and just what could go wrong, honestly? While he was away, all that fell by the wayside, and I was checking my phone for texts all the time, cursing the bad reception that meant a call from him dropped just as I answered it, sneakily texting his aunt who met him for lunch, to see how he was doing... I so don't want to be an anxious mother, and I so am.
I think he'll do fine, though. I put him on the train, having bought him a cup of tea and helped him find his carriage and seat. (You forget that a seat reservation isn't an obvious thing, to those who've never encountered one before...). As I walked away down the platform, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was him. "Mum, you're holding my tickets!" And I was. In under a minute, he'd realised the lack of tickets, tried to phone me, tried to text me, and then decided to run after me. Good call. Top marks for competence. I think he'll do fine.
And the title? Well, you do have to be valiant, to be a parent of a teenager.
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Mums worry, even when everything's fine - that's our job. 16-yo sounds like a very mature & fast running kid. Beautifully written & touching post, Iota.
ReplyDeleteOh, I really do feel your pain. I've got two teenagers aged 13 and 16, and I'm still learning from my mistakes with the 16 yo and trying to do better with the 13yo. But they're so different that it's hard to use any of my 'experience' at all. Here's to not doing a Philip Larkin. x
ReplyDeleteHe sounds very competent. Very funny that he had to chase you down for the tickets though; most kids would've had some explaining to do when the ticket inspector came through.
ReplyDeleteWell, I don't know much about handling teenagers yet but he sounds like a sensible boy, with his quick thinking about the tickets - and how nice that he got to see his US friends again!
ReplyDeleteHe sounds as though you've done a pretty perfect job so far. I am dreading the teenage years. Perhaps by then you could have written a guide book? (See another business opportunity for you)
ReplyDeleteMy 18 year old son, and 19 year old nephew are here in Scotland visiting us for two weeks. Even though he hasn't lived with me for a couple of years, it's still so hard to not be 'that mom', who wants to hover, who checks to make sure he has his phone and knows what to do if he gets lost, who has to tell him to be careful every time he steps out the door.
ReplyDeleteI let them go out to a club on Saturday night (where his step-brother is the manager and kept a close eye on him). It was SO hard to do! The relief I felt when they stumbled into the apartment at 2:30am, giggling like school kids, was huge. Once they were home safe, watching them struggle through the hangover the next day was highly entertaining.
I don't think it will ever go away entirely, that need to take care of them. At least there is the reward of watching them become men and women, adults who make their own decisions and actually can think in a crisis.
All those baby books should have warned us about this part. The part where they grow up and walk out the door without needing our help. Ouch.
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