Mornin' all.
Thank you for your comments.
OK, here's the thing I'm really pissed off with, with myself.
I used to love blogging. I found I could write. And people liked reading it (either that, or it was a huge conspiracy, set up by Husband or my mum to make me feel nice).
Then blogging moved on, and I was a bit annoyed, but thought it was ok, really, because there was room in the blogosphere for everyone. Even if you just hung around in a small corner, then so long as it was a nice, fun, interesting place to be, that was fine. And my corner was. If it was a tea shop, I'd call it "The Cozy Corner Caff".
Then I thought I'd turn my blog into a book. I don't have a job. The children are out of the house all day at school. I would have time.
Then I found it impossible to get started, and I can't work out why. I bought a self-help book about procrastination. Which I haven't yet read, but will, soon, honestly.
Then I got busy with other stuff, like... oh you know, life stuff. It all seemed important and part of the process of settling myself and my family into our new place. And I kept telling myself to be patient, because I know that it takes ages and ages to settle into a new place, and while you're doing it, you're slightly tired all the time, and you don't have much internal space for anything.
Then I looked back on the almost-year that we've been here, and I felt like I've achieved nothing. I hate that feeling. It comes from time to time, and it's often a bit of a useful spur to action. But at the moment, it's just a bleurgh feeling, and not a spur, useful or otherwise.
I have tried to get a job, and I've been unsuccessful (but two interviews from the first foray, which isn't bad). And then I've been relieved I haven't got a job, because there's still so much else going on in family life. That sounds so darn pathetic, and I don't want you to think I'm the kind of mother who spends her life worrying about whether her son's cricket top is clean or not, because - in spite of the evidence of last night - I'm really not. Or only just a little.
I have looked into studying again, and well, it's still on the back burner, but I never seem to get off the front burner these days.
Then I read the BiBs short list, and I thought about all the bloggers who've used blogging as a springboard into writing a book, or getting a career started in social media, or becoming a writer of some kind or other, and I thought, that could be me, but... it isn't. I realised that actually, I do really want to write my book, and it made me all furious with myself that I just can't quite do it.
Yet.
.
I think the key word here is 'yet'. Do not underestimate the amount of energy that goes into repatriation! And on top of that, family life! Here, I have a short story for you:
ReplyDeleteMy husband wrote a major medical textbook (as you know) and at a party shortly after it was published a few years ago one of his colleagues and a good friend of ours (a single man, I might add--important to the story), was asking me how my writing is going. I waffled about something, he could see I was waffling and he cut in.
'So tell me. You're the writer, and yet your husband is the first to publish a book! How does that work?'
You know that moment when you know a friend thinks they're being witty and you should just play along to be polite but you don't? That.
'That'll be because he has a wife and I don't,' I replied.
I love this story, and good for you for thinking of the reply on the spot and not half an hour later.
DeleteI love that story, too! Who wants to be my wife? I am tired of being a wife. I have been looking at job adds tonight, thinking I might just pick any stupid job to get out of the house and leave the husband with all the boring family stuff. I am tired of having to make choices.
DeleteThat's a great story from Michelle - and Iota, you are so not alone in feeling like this. Two years I've been trying to write my book. Two. Years. And even though I've come a long way with it, it's still not finished and until it is, no matter how many other daily tasks get completed, I won't feel as if I've achieved anything substantial. The 'jokey' comment my father used to say to my mum when she mentioned being busy - "But all you do all day is drink coffee, arrange flowers, and eat chocolates" rings through my head far too often. If only, eh?
ReplyDeleteThe number of people who manage to make money from their blog or use it as a springboard to making money is infinitesimally small compared to the numbers who'd like to, so you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you've had a year to get your feet which is normal, and now is the time to move on to the next stage - doing something else. My dearly beloved sets himself quarterly targets (he's a businessman so it comes naturally...) in his home life, like losing so much weight, doing more exercise etc. so he takes things in small chunks. The trick is not to set too many targets that end up being impossible to fulfil. Still, it's one way of motivating yourself. :)
You are not alone in how you are feeling. Since my big move I feel like I have been waffling around and not accomplishing much of anything. Not sure if I should go to work somewhere and then thrilled that I am not working and able to be home for the family. I agree wholeheartedly with Michelle, the operative word is "yet" ~ I love coming to your tea shop (The Cozy Corner Caff) and would look forward to reading a book you would write. Who knows what the future holds. The important thing in my humble opinion is just putting yourself out there and connecting with people. We can all learn so much from each other and I am 100% sure that my journey to being an expat would not have been as good without reading all the expat blogs that I became addicted to (yours included).
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel - for me it is work that has sucked out all the extra motivation and creativity but I guess it is the same with your home turmoil
ReplyDeleteYet is the word to focus on - babysteps forward and who knows where you'll be in a year?
Seriously. Seriously? I just lost another brilliant comment, I don't know what's going on this morning but I clearly have no control over my keyboard at this point.
ReplyDeleteShort version was "your fab, just write"
I think the key word is "yet", and as Michele points out, you've been very busy this year. OK, so I have a book coming out this summer, three kids, a dog that might have arthritis, a husband who travels a lot yada yada. How do you do it, I hear you saying. Simple - it's non-fiction. I also have two "fantastic" works of fiction in my head, one of which has been stuck there for about 7 years. I have the entire plot worked out, plus quite a lot f character development, and I just can't get it down on paper. I work to writing deadlines every week now for the BBC, and yet I still can't get these damn fiction works out. It's just way more difficult than blogging or writing non-fiction.
ReplyDeleteI do recommend either going to a writing class or taking an online class as they have wonderful methods to help get you started and keep you going.
I agree with the others; you have had a very busy year and "yet" is key. I had a good friend here who moved back a year ago, and she hasn't managed to get a job or "achieve" anything as yet, and is beating herself up about it. But it is a huge thing, to move your whole family to another country. You've achieved a lot.
ReplyDeleteAs for writing, I feel a lot like you. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just finding excuses for not doing it, because I'm afraid of it failing. I'm sure you can do it. You're a brilliant writer, and I personally would reserve my copy on Amazon right now!
Nappy makes a very good point. I quite often tell people that one of the main differences between a published writer and someone who's not there yet is - arse on seat.
ReplyDeleteI completely forgot to say that I really want to read your post on Education. Also I want to ask how your children found the transition from US school to UK? Maybe you have already written about this but I haven't got that far yet. One of the things I wonder about is whether British children are "harder" for want of a better word. The children at our Elementary school here seem gentler than I remember at home, well that isn't exactly right, harder and gentler aren't what I mean. Its like British children go in for a lot more mickey taking and here (in a tiny little town in Darkest CT) I can imagine the children, heck the teachers being rather aghast by it!
ReplyDeleteI agree with whoever said small steps. I think the reason we get overwhelmed by big goals is that they're too big. Instead I find it more effective to set small goals - even tiny ones. If you wrote one page every day - and didn't worry if it was good or bad - for a year, you'd have 365 pages by the end of the year. A whole first draft.
ReplyDeleteIf that's seems too much set the goal for half a page, or a page a week. The goal doesn't really matter. It's more the fact of breaking down the overwhelming chunk into more manageable pieces.
That said, hubby and I were just discussing how we let a whole year go by without developing our business any. We finally agreed that moving countries was enough for one year! So don't forget to pat yourself on the back for what you've achieved in this last year.
Iota - I have felt just like you.On a regular basis. Still do. We moved almost a year ago. I hated that waffling feeling. I did the whole, well I just have to settle the kids in and then I can figure it all out bit. And then once my self imposed deadline of 6 months passed I really put the pressure on myself to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteAnd so in March, after waffling a bit more, I did decide to just sit down and write THE BOOK. I am just shy of 60 000 words. I guarantee that about 58 000 of them are crap. When I read about other people's bloggin/writing/book/career success I feel like the world's biggest failure.
But I have realised that for me to not procrastinate I need to set myself goals. My goal at the moment is for my husband to be able to see our children more. He works away from home a lot. He has to as it's part of his job. The only way for him to not do that job is for me to make a lot of money. I can either do that by setting up a business or by writing a bestseller. Because my passion lies with writing more than business, I am going down that route first. I know that the chances of my book ever even being published are next to zero, much less make money, but I am not letting myself think that on a daily basis. I have made myself believe that it will be a success.
I now treat writing this book as a job. I don't do the housework, I don't go out for coffees. I just about squeeze in some exercise, but I do try to go watch the kids at school sports as much as I can.
It has helped me get focused.
So - as all the others have said, if you want to write your book, you will. You just haven't done it yet. You just need to have a clear picture of what you want. Once you know what that is (and that is the hard part) it is much easier to get on and do it.
I'm sorry - this turned into an essay and some really lamo motivational pep talk. Not what I planned. But perhaps it will help.
Oh, and one other thing: DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS. (I tell myself that daily). As I read on Facebook the other day: don't compare your chapter 1 to someone else's chapter 20.
xx
I'm with you, sweet Iota. I'm blogging away, as you know, but like you I'm trying to turn it into a book and self-doubt rears it's ugly, ugly head, and I do other things like spending hours and hours and hours dealing with the carbon monoxide leak in our house (yeah, it needs to be dealt with), but why am I always the one to deal with life stuff to the detriment of my career stuff (like writing?).
ReplyDeleteSo, I relate to what you're saying. I truly do. And I'm trying to look at the small successes--a post written--and hope that it grows into a great big effing book!
All best,
Virginia
theyearoflivingenglishly.wordpress.com
I agree with all the other comments - a book is hard to write because it's easy to believe that every word you come up with is rubbish so what's the point? Then it gets harder and harder to even open that document entitled 'novel' or 'best of blog best-seller'. It suddenly becomes so important to clean the fridge or try a new brownie recipe or surf the internet or - 'oh god, it's time to pick up the kids'...
ReplyDeleteKudos to those who've managed to get a novel finished, major kudos to those who've got a book published and GOOD LUCK to the rest of us who are still trying!
Hang in there, Iota. None of us know what is around the corner. I've been recovering from illness for a few months. I thought I would use that enforced period of rest to do something productive, like dust off my novel - but I haven't. I now expect the muse to strike when I no longer have any time to myself.
ReplyDelete