Expletives to David Cameron

Don't read this if you're my mum.

David Cameron has made my life a bit harder. Probably I'm not the only one who could say that. But this is how he's made life harder for me.

Unless I'm wrong (and this is very possible, as I don't keep up with the detail of British life any more), if you want to go to university in England, you now have to pay 9,000 pounds a year. Or borrow it. Now this is where it's a bummer for me. We have three children hurtling downhill towards college age. Without wanting to assume that they will all want to go to college, but thinking it's likely, that means that either they will have to each take on a debt of 27,000 before launching into adult life, or we will have to find 81,000. Neither of those is a very attractive prospect.

Here's the crunch. University education in the US is fearsomely expensive, but because it has always been that way, a whole system of support has grown up. There are academic scholarships, sports scholarships, loan schemes, and - most importantly for us - tuition remission for family of university employees. The university that Husband teaches at is very egalitarian, so that if you are the janitor and have ten children, they all receive tuition remission (worth about $15,000 a year, for four years). I like that. It's a huge perk. The university has some very loyal janitors, who in real terms are extremely well paid. In our case, that means that I am doing my MA degree pretty much for free (though there are tax implications, which puts it at a few hundred dollars - but in the context of saving $15,000, I'm not complaining). Which is all a preamble to saying that if we decided to stay here long-term - and Mum, since I know you will be reading this in spite of the opening instruction, we aren't - but if we did decide to stay here, we would instantly be looking at saving the family 81,000 pounds. That is not to be sneezed at.

So expletives to you, David Cameron, because you've made it really very attractive in financial terms to stay here. Expletives to you.

Am I up to date with the reality of the situation? Are universities all charging 9,000 pounds as from next year? Is Scotland doing the same, of is this just England (we've always fancied going back to Scotland, and this would be one big incentive). Are universities focusing any efforts on introducing more scholarships? Are any of them thinking about tuition remission for their employees?

For those of you wanting the challenge of a harder question, is it worth 81,000 pounds to us to be living in England, near family, near places we love, near old friends, in a culture we feel more at home with, where you can get a decent cup of tea at will, where John Humphries is on the radio every morning, where you are but a few hours away from mainland Europe, on an island you share with the Lake District, the Scottish Highlands and a whole lot of fabulous coastline, where we can vote, where we feel most who we are, and in whose soil we ultimately want our children to have their roots? Or used to.

How much is that worth? Answer THAT one, David Cameron.

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Had a header crisis

OK, so I got fed up with that photo on my header, and took it down. And now I'm fiddling around not knowing what to do with that space. I had plans for the day, and they didn't involve re-doing my blog header. Hm... How did this happen? It was a crime of passion when I pressed that delete button. No malice aforethought at all. Anyway, I'm now looking to YOU for ideas.

It could be a statement, like "Why is Google Chrome SO DARN SLOW at the moment, and is it going to get better or will I have to go back to Mozilla Firefox? I'm already hovering between the two, but I really prefer Chrome. SHAPE UP, GOOGLE CHROME."

It could be a picture. I've always quite fancied having a herd of bison up there, (remember the strapline "Among the bison with my dyson"? I've never quite kissed goodbye to that one). But I've spent hours trying to get a picture of a herd of bison long and thin, header-shaped, and it's not easy. Oh Blogger, I do love you, but you are very inflexible when it comes to header design.

I want to avoid the Union Jack and the Stars and Stripes, tempting though that is, and there are some great pictures on Flickr of cupcakes decorated with the two flags. Isn't the internet amazing? You can go to a photo website, and type in "UK US flags", and poof! up pop pictures of CUPCAKES! It's as if the site can read not only your mind, but your subconscious too.

Are you a brilliant up-and-coming blog designer who'd like to do me a header for free? I'll give you loads of publicity. I'll love you forever. Please...

By the way, while you're thinking about ideas for my header, could you also answer a couple of questions? Does John Humphrys still do the Today programme on Radio 4? Just wondering. And over this side of the Atlantic, do you, or don't you, dial a 1 before a long distance or -800- call? Either way seems to work. What is the point of that 1 if it's dispensable? I've been here too long to ask that kind of question outside the cyber world. That's a "new expat" question, and I'm way past that stage. I'm well into the realm of "embarrassing if you don't know".

I think my blog is feeling a little embarrassed too now. Naked and exposed. Do help her out with that header won't you. Oooh... I said "her". So my blog must be female. I didn't know that. See how the internet can tap right into your subconscious.

A convoluted puzzle

Now you know how I enjoy a brain-teaser when I'm out shopping. Well, I spotted another one yesterday. I was in Wal-Mart, and as I walked past the bedding section, I read the following sign above one of the aisles:

bed pillows
foam pillows
feather pillows
convoluted pillows.

Intriguing. Convoluted pillows. I like my sleep time to be simple and straightforward. The last thing I would want is a convoluted pillow giving me convoluted dreams.

The amazing thing is that not only do enough people want to buy convoluted pillows that it is worth Wal-Mart's while to stock them, but that so many people want to buy them that they merit a listing on the aisle sign.

Picture me this Saturday morning, propped up on my convoluted pillows, sipping my aseptic drink, and exclaiming "good jahb" at intervals. Do you think I'd pass for a local?

Another puzzle

Whilst I've been puzzling about aseptic drinks, people out there have larger questions on their minds.

I've got a sitemeter, and this is what happens when a blogger gets a sitemeter. They find out what weird and wonderful search terms people put into Google, to land up on their blog. Then they write a blog post about it. This is mine.

Not wrong, just different is full of pretty mundane subject matter, it must be said, and those who land up here by mistake are mostly people interested in cures for verrucas or ways of dealing with bugs and critters. They won't get much by way of an answer to their problems, but they may be comforted to know they're not alone. Hello, if you're one of them.

The Pledge of Allegiance has attracted the largest number of unintentional visitors. There is one that has got a whole story behind it; I just wish I knew what the story was. Someone typed into Google "How can I pledge allegiance to him when he can't pledge allegiance to the US?" Oh my dear girl (I assume you're a girl), I wish I could help. You knew, though, well before you hit the return button, that a Google search wasn't going to give you an answer to that one, didn't you?

A puzzle

I know, I know. You want me to tell you what Hallowe'en was like here. Be patient, I will. Perhaps I'll use the extra hour we have tonight to do that. But first, here is something that is puzzling me.

When I go shopping in my local Dillons (you know me, life in the fast lane), there is an aisle where the sign tells me I may find water, juice, soda and aseptic drinks. Hello? Aseptic drinks? I haven't actually managed to identify which are the drinks in that aisle that are the aseptic ones, but when I do so, am I to conclude that all the others are, in fact, septic? Oh goody. I knew they tasted better over here.

Questions, questions

Hey, I’ve thought of a clever way of avoiding asking those questions that I want to know the answer to, but which mark me out as an ignorant foreigner. I can ask my bloggy friends! They’re a nice bunch, pretty easy-going, and won’t see me looking all embarrassed if the answer is really obvious. So, hello Bloggers. These ones are for you.

1) What is the rice and pasta and bread here “enriched” with? It’s all enriched, every last packet of it. What with?
2) Why are my finger nails so much tougher here than in Britain? Is it something they put in the water, or is it whatever they enrich the rice and pasta and bread with?
3) I know that British teeth are something of a national joke. That’s ok. I can take it. I am intrigued about American teeth, though. I can see why they’re all so straight. That’s to do with orthodontics. But how come they’re all so big? In comparison, British teeth are not only crooked, but small. Is that to do with the stuff they put in the rice and pasta and bread?
4) Should I go and get my supplies from a health food shop instead? What else is this enriching agent doing to our bodies?
5) Can you think of any better place to take Husband for his birthday than Dodge City, Kansas?

Answers on a post-card please, or just in the comments box. Question 5 is a trick question. Please don't come up with any better suggestions, since it's already booked. It'll be fun. We really couldn't live in the Midwest without a visit to Dodge City, could we?