Dear So and So

Dear Man whose fiancee's car I scraped

I'm enclosing a check of the amount of $216.25 [made out to the garage, not to you.]. I feel obliged to do this, as I did cause the damage. It does seem very expensive, though, for a scrape the size of a nickel. I'm not going to be claiming this on insurance - I know that sometimes make a difference to how auto service centers approach the charges to these things [is that what you call them over here? repair garages? why do I still have so many occasions when I don't know the right words? you have no idea how much I hate that].

This sum represents significant expenditure for us [I know you're going to look at my fancy check and think we have some kind of premium account because we're fantastically rich, but we opened that account when we came over from Scotland, and we were bringing sums of money over - the proceeds of our house sale, that kind of thing - so they gave us a fancy check book, don't let it mislead you]. If you could see your way to finding a more affordable repair shop, I would be really very grateful. [This amount would pay for me to have my hair re-highlighted THREE times.]

[And by the way, it gives me small but satisfying pleasure to think of a 'Not the Nine O'Clock News' sketch from way back, which you would never have seen because it wouldn't have been on US television, in which a gorilla being interviewed by Pamela Stephenson has the same name as you.]

Yours sincerely

Iota


Let's see if there is decency in this world, shall we? I know, I just know, that there would be no point insisting on other quotes, or trying to negotiate over the phone. I think, honestly, it's worth $216.25 not to have to pursue this any further.


Dear Fiancee

Please don't marry this man. Marry someone nicer.

Yours sincerely

Iota

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Life isn't fair

There’s a fabulous moment in the medieval Blackadder series (which unfortunately I can’t find on youtube), when Baldrick complains to his master “But that’s not fair”. Blackadder replies “Life isn’t fair, Baldrick. Otherwise things like this wouldn’t happen”, and clips him round the ear.

I’m guessing that a lot of you might think “Iota’s probably got something to say about this subject. She’s had cancer…” But you’ll be disappointed. You see, last summer I never really had those moments that you’re meant to have, during life crises, when you rail against the universe, or God, or whatever you need to rail against, and say “Why me? Why is this happening to me? Life isn’t fair?” For sure, I had moments when I railed “Life is sometimes rubbish. Cancer is the pits. I hate having cancer. I would not wish this on anyone. This is horrid, and I can't do anything about it.” But the “not fair” thing? No. I didn’t do that.

I think I was a Stoic in a former life. I was probably so Stoic that I felt the need to fall on my sword one day, because I’d forgotten to put my dirty toga in the laundry basket before setting out for a busy day at the forum. Then I woke up as a baby in the 20th century, and that must have been a big cultural shock. “I’m hungry, my nappy’s wet, this mattress isn’t comfy, I’m a third child in my sister’s pass-on baby clothes, I’m six weeks old and I have bronchitis… crying might just be appropriate here, but… no… I think it’s probably a little attention-seeking, I’ll just smile sweetly… That’s what babies are suppposed to do… Bit of gurgling, perhaps… Hang on... It’s not working… Where IS she?... Waaaaaaah…”

So yes, I’m Stoic, by nature and by up-bringing. But I’ve also noticed this. People never say “life isn’t fair” when nice things happen to them. You don’t hear “I’ve got healthy kids, I’ve just been promoted at work, I’ve unexpectedly inherited a holiday cottage in Cornwall, life is good to me. It just isn’t fair.” No. People say “life isn’t fair” when they mean “life isn’t all plain-sailing for ME”. But think about it this way. If you’re reading this, you have access to a computer. It’s a reasonable assumption that you have food to eat, shelter, education, medical care, and plenty more besides. There are huge numbers of people in the world, huge numbers, who do not have those things. How can any of us (and I include myself here) really say “life isn’t fair”? Let’s face it. If the world was fair, do you think your situation would get better, or worse? That's in general. How about the specifics? Would you be more or less likely to get cancer, if the world was fair?

And how did we all get to think that it would be “fair” (ie plain-sailing), in the first place? There is little evidence for that expectation. Just look at life. It’s ups and downs, isn’t it? Good patches, bad patches. We’re all going to die. We’re all getting older. We’re going to encounter disappointment, ill health, injustice, bereavement… With some good stuff too, of course. But my point is this: why do we expect it to be any different? Why does it feel “not fair” when these things happen?

I know what you’re thinking (those of you who haven’t given up reading in a state of total depression by now…) You’re thinking “that’s all very well, intellectually speaking, Iota, but it’s not how it FEELS, is it? When something bad happens, you do FEEL it isn’t fair, don’t you?” Well, of course you’re right. It does feel different when it happens to you. No-one ever thinks it will happen to them. That’s the weird thing. I didn’t think I’d get breast cancer. Not even when I knew that 1 in 9 women do at some point in their lives. But I can honestly say I didn’t deeply feel “it’s not fair” when I did. I don’t know why that was (apart from my inherent weirdness, of course). I suppose feelings are broadly shaped by belief systems, and to feel “it’s not fair”, you first have to believe that the bad things that happen in life aren’t fair, and for all the reasons I’ve just talked about, I didn’t believe that.

I think, honestly, I’m more afraid of the seeming randomness of life, than the unfairness of it. When I’ve worked out how to deal with that one, I’ll let you know.

I wouldn’t go as far to say that life IS fair. I admit there is great injustice and inequality in our experiences of life. I thought I’d list a few of them.

• France and Germany have the best national anthems.

• Before me and my contemporaries, whole generations of young people had to face their teenage years without ‘80s music to help them through. Imagine the suffering…

• Library fines. I mean, do they want us to encourage our children to read or not?

• When you leave a tissue in a jeans pocket before putting them in the washing machine, the whole load is covered with little white flecks, and it takes ages to pick them all off. That punishment is ridiculously disproportionate to the crime. I know you can put the load in the tumble drier, and it does it for you, but then there’s eco-guilt to contend with (and listen, I’m not blogging about laundry AGAIN, ok?)

• Things that taste nice are usually not good for you.

• Alcohol, which you can buy in the shops, gives you a hangover. Gas and air, which doesn’t, is only available during childbirth. (Why doesn’t anyone market that stuff?)

Do you have any “not fair” examples yourself?

I thought it was time for another competition, so the person who leaves the best example, gets to choose which blog post about life in mid-America I write next, out of the following: Guns, Religion, or The Garage Sale. Or how I screw up bring up my kids within my whole ‘life’s not fair doesn’t work as a slogan’ philosophy. I could get that random selector widget to pick the winner, which would be fair, but I’m not going to do that. I’m going to choose the winner myself, not based on any objective measurable criteria, just on the whim of my own personal fancy, because life isn’t fair.
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In search of justice

I was summoned to the scene of the crime by the cries of 6-yo. Husband had got there first. “3-yo threw the doofer at him” he informed me, waving the offending remote control.

“Did you, 3-yo? Is that what happened?” I asked, my voice appropriately full of maternal gravitas, and my eyebrows raised to indicate disbelief and shock (although I was, actually, neither disbelieving nor shocked). It’s my policy to hear both sides of the story, but this was looking rather clear-cut.

“No”, she said, adamantly. Phew, I thought, I’m glad I've given her a chance to tell her version. “It was the zapper”, she said.

Sorry, 3-yo, but I don’t think that would stand up in a court of law. “M’Lud, with your permission, I will now present the case for the defense. The prosecution has shown members of the jury a proven motive, and watertight evidence. I will explain to them, however, that my client is Not Guilty of the crime of murder. He is accused of shooting his wife with a gun (exhibit A), but I am sure members of the jury will agree it was, in fact, a firearm.” No. I don’t think so.

Guilty as charged, 3-yo.