Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Medical words

Day 14 of 'The Daily Post'.

Somewhere along the line, it was suggested that I might have my ovaries removed. The memory of why this was ever even floated anywhere near the cards is hazy, but I think it had to do with being part of a study. It isn't going to happen, but I rather warmed to the idea at the time. I, quite literally, liked the sound of it. Having your ovaries out is called an oopherectomy. I mean, who wouldn’t want one of those? Can’t you just hear yourself saying to all your friends and colleagues "I’m going to have an oopherectomy”. It’s up there with some new glasses, or a puppy for Christmas. And if they were anything like my friends, I’d expect them to say "ooooh, an oooopherectomy”, which I guess would be funny (at least the first time).

If you don’t fancy surgery, they can stop your ovaries working with a monthly injection. That’s called ovarian ablation. Another fine medical term. It sounds vaguely Roman Catholic to me. “Have you said your ovarian ablation yet?” “Oh yes, I did it on my way to confession – wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Though I have to say, it doesn’t do it for me quite like ‘oopherectomy’.

I liked the idea of an oopherectomy because I really didn’t like the word mastectomy. It sounds vaguely rude somehow. I never worked out whether to pronounce it m’stectomy, or mass-tectomy. The latter sounds a bit like mass exodus, which I suppose it is, on the breast tissue front. Anyway, I didn’t like the word.

Sadly, you don’t get to pick your medical procedures on the basis of their names. In any case, I always think the medics are having a bit of a laugh, actually, when it comes to naming surgical procedures. They like long medical-sounding words, to impress lay people, but really, they just take the name of the body part and add ‘-oscopy’ if they’re just looking at it, and add ‘-ectomy’ if they’re removing it. Easy peasy. For example, removing a lymph node is called a lymphedectomy. It’s true. Removing tonsils is called a tonsillectomy. Looking up a patient’s rear end is called an endoscopy. If a doctor looked at your finger and then amputated it, I expect he’d say you’d had a fingeroscopy and a fingerectomy.

This is a practice we housewives should adopt. It would make our jobs sound more impressive to lay people.

“Must hurry,” we could say to each other. “Got to do a dustectomy on the sitting room before the kids come home from school.”

“Yes, I should go too. My bathroom is in urgent need of a grimectomy, and I strongly suspect that after I’ve done a showeroscopy, I’ll be doing a mouldectomy too. But then I’m going to treat myself. I’m going to the salon for a splitendsectomy.”

“Good for you. No such luck for me. I had a note home from school, and I’m going to be doing nitectomies on all my kids, if the scalposcopy results come back positive.”

See. It’s very easy when you get the hang of it.

14 comments:

  1. I love it, v v v funny - even if the initial topic is harrowing.
    BTW have taken a leaf out of your blog and made a film of my own now too. Hours of fun! Love your blog.

    LCM xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think it's so that the medical profession can develop a language that we have no chance of understanding. I've just performed a Hooverectomy on my carpet!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was told I might have to have an oophrectomy when I had my laparotomy. Thankfully I didn't need to as all i had were chocolate cysts. What? No medial name for them? just a eurgh, yeuch name?? Well actually endometriotic cysts but the surgeon said "we call them chocolat cysts".
    On a different note, when I had all my IVF treatments I thought "in vitro fertilisation" sounded quite technical for what is essentially sex in a petri dish. a LOT less fun of course. But in order to get the 'ova' out to be fertilised by the wriggly fellas, it was just called "egg retrieval" rather than ovarectomy or vaginoscopy. Sounded a bit like reproductive memory recall "now where did I put those eggs? Ah yes still stuck in the fallopian tubes, trying to find the route out. Chocolate cysts blocking exit"

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sorry. Probably a case of WAY TOO MUCH information there. Got a bit carried away. And of course MEDIAL shd read MEDICAL. You know me REmedial typist :o(

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ladies. You put me to shame with your familiarity with all these technical terms. Not with the medical stuff of course - no, the cleaning. But since we've just had a cleanerectomy (as in, she just went off and got herself a full-time job, the hussy - although obviously I'm happy for her, really I am...), I am now going to have to undertake a houseworkoscopy myself. (As in, look at it, long and hard, before informing Husband that we WILL be finding a replacement...)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oooh, PLIT, I had a laparoscopy once (they didn't take it out though!)

    I had a colposcopy recently. They didn't look at my colp. At least I don't think they did. Not from that angle anyway. Ooooph indeed.

    Love
    Josephine

    ReplyDelete
  7. They keep telling me I need to have an endometrial ablation, and I always think I have to go to confession beforehand. (Alas, it can stop the heavy bleeding but not the pain, so what the --- is the point, frankly?) as for the cleaning, I think I am an DNR. (Do Not Resucitate. sp?)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I see aren't quite ready to take the docs advise yet and leave that world behind... That is just an observation and in no way a suggestion. I know how much writing helps.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The funoscopy I took of your blog post had very positive results. Please don't do a wordectomy on it.

    I'm getting the hang of it already.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Married to a hospital Dr and feel triumphant each time he says a work-word I can decipher for myself!

    ReplyDelete
  11. That's what I had, an oophorectomy. And an omentectomy at the same time which had me scurrying straight to google. Google took me directly to the Cancer Research Society, sadly, so I knew before I knew if that makes sense. OK, it doesn't really. And while they were in there they included a couple of other ectomies which I now can't remember. Most of the bits I lost I knew I had, but an omentum I'd never heard of before they removed it.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Blimey, that is quite a long list, especially if you include each individual hair, although you probably use a ranking system for importance of removed item (45th strand back from the bit above right ear might not rank too highly!).

    I laughed out loud at your post (although I could barely hear myself for the roar of my noisy fridge which is seriously getting to the level of having a delivery truck sitting permanently in the corner of the kitchen).

    Anyway, I really hope you don't have to have too many more things removed, and that indeed, you quickly regain things like your hair after your treatment is finished.

    Annoyingly enough, I am completely stuck for a -scopy/-ectomy joke. How lame is that!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Your post performed a laughectomy on me... I am so glad I stopped by. I needed a grin. I am proud to say I also had 4 wisdom teeth out under local anaesthetic. The guy said he was going to use a 'new technique' as mine were not difficult extractions. The shiny 'new' instrument looked suspiciously like a spoon. And he followed up with pliers... by which time, awake or not my eyes were tightly shut.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Nitectomy definitely sounds way more glamorous than the reality! I just hope one wouldn't have to steam sterilise one's fingers first!

    ReplyDelete