Day 22 of 'The Daily Post'.
When you’re in labour, your mind does odd things.
With my first, I remember thinking, with surprise, “Mrs McConnell is right. It IS just like doing a great big poo.” So much for all that talk of ‘bearing down’, and visualizing the petals of a flower gently opening.
I should explain. I had a friend and colleague called Holly McConnell. She hadn’t been through labour herself, but had quoted her mother’s pennyworth on the subject. I didn’t have the mental capacity to think this bit through when I was giving birth, but it later dawned on me that the woman in question wasn’t Mrs McConnell at all. That’s Holly’s married name. I had no idea what her maiden name was. But Mrs McConnell was good enough for me at the time, and if that bit of wisdom ever gets passed into formal theory for antenatal instruction, it should be called ‘the Mrs McConnell approach’ now for all time.
With my second and third labours, I followed the advice of a friend, and just kept my mind focused on the tea and toast that you are served once it’s all over. It tastes like no tea and toast has ever tasted before or since. It is the tea and toast to end all tea and toast. The anticipation of that tea and toast didn’t leave any mental space for odd stray thoughts, and of course by that time, I already knew that Mrs McConnell was right.
Did you have any random thoughts in labour? What’s your Mrs McConnell moment? Did the promise of tea and toast keep you going, or was it something else for you?
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I was up on the 15th floor at UCSF, looking out over the San Francisco Bay, seeing the sun go down but not feeling the time go by in the way one usually perceives time, feeling completely in the moment, as if everything in my life had conspired to bring me to this beautiful spot in the world to welcome my baby. I still think about the labor whenever I catch a glimpse of the view while out and about town.
ReplyDeleteAnd I didn't even get any tea and toast!
While amnesia has set in, and I don't remember much of the blood-bath that was birth, I do know that the day after my daughter was born, my doctor came by, and after examining me, said cheerfully "See? Your clitoris is still intact." After he left, I asked B if he knew why the doctor would say such a bizarre thing. It turns out that in the throes of labor, I screamed "my clit is going to rip off, and I will never cum again. I'm gonna sue this fucking hospital and kill you all."
ReplyDeleteI overdosed on the good old gas and air and had some very strange thoughts about the seven dwarfs.
ReplyDeleteI remember a lot of angst and anger at a certain anaestesiologist during my first labour, but also a game of Scrabble.
ReplyDeleteIn my first labour, I thought I could hear the voice of my male midwife long after he had left the room. They were quite worried about me until they realised someone had left the radio on very quietly and I could hear the DJ.
ReplyDeleteIn my second labour, I had my son at home because he came very quickly. For some reason, my neighbour asked to stay and watch because he had never seen a birth, and I agreed, despite wondering why he hadn't seen the birth of his own two sons. Turns out he wasn't my neighbour, he was the off duty paramedic who had come to help until the midwife arrived.
My labours have been loooooooong. In the first they wouldn't let me eat anything as they thought I'd need a C-Section and I was starving. Eventually they said that I could have a sports drink. At 3am on a Sunday night/Monday morning in a bank holiday weekend. I dispatched Dave to get said drink. He couldn't find one in the hospital so was sent out to cruise the Oxford all night garages until he found one. I was obsessed with which ones would be open and it was all I could think about until he got back. Thankfully C Section not needed. Sports drinks were, as ever, disgusting.
ReplyDeleteWith no.1 my other half was told I would be 'a while yet', so we told him to go and get himself a takeaway curry. I recall him phoning the place up and them saying it would be about 45 mins. His answer? "That's too long! My wife is having a baby!"
ReplyDeleteI'm sitting here trying desperately to remember odd random thoughts...and I have a mind blank. All I can remember is that I was in hideous pain for 36 hours and I never even got tea and toast. Am going off to sulk...(It's ok - I won't really - that was my first labour - second one was much better - still didn't get tea and toast though - so maybe I will sulk after all)! x
ReplyDeleteYes I'd heard the tea & toast 'myth' from my mother, through to all sorts of friends. I NEVER Got any. I still feel robbed, the thought did keep me going in that stiff upper lipped eccentric British way that gets so excited at the, let's face it, basic, austere & meagre luxury of tea &toast. But ahhhh, what I wdn't have given for that afterwards.... Oh no, FAR too busy being wheeled into theatre (on BOTH occasions) to have an epidural (on BOTH occasions) which I had successfully managed to do without (on BOTH occasions) 1stly to be sewn up (3rd degree tear, but lovely stitching job so I'm told) AND no I didn't wnt to check for myself & second time around, to have a retained placenta removed, which wdn't budge despite any amount of tugging, heaving, injection & patient waiting.
ReplyDeleteHOWEVER I DID have tea & toast whilst 8 cm dilated, sitting on the bed chatting to the midwife, who said she had never sat sipping tea having a calm conversation with someone 8cm dilated with barely perceptible contractions (they WERE strong just that I cd hardly feel them weirdly) AND it felt all wrong. "NOT YET, I wnt the tea & toast AFTERWARDS, this is not how it's supposed to work", I wnted to yell, but being polite, British & clearly not under the influence of strong enough contractions to start being unreasonable, I didn't say anything.
with my first, i was rushed from the midwifery unit by ambulance to the local hospital for an epidural (i arrived too late for one, sods law). I'd had pethadine and A LOT (8 canisters) of gas&air. i remember thinking; I'm not technically in any danger, i should enjoy this ambulance ride, i've never been in one before! loopy or what. I very clearly remember, not immediately afterwards (i was in surgery for repairs for 4hrs) the midwife brought white toast with butter & jam cut into triangles, it was so yummy & comforting, and when i'm down it's now what i always make to cheer myself up. with my 2nd, after a c-section, they wouldn't let me eat for aaaages!!
ReplyDeleteParadise - you and I can swop retained placenta at the JR stories - probably had the same Doctors, 6th floor rooms ... hang on, I'm heading over to yours, not sure Iota wants to hear them all!
ReplyDeleteWith my second baby I told the midwife that I couldn't push because I needed a poo. She called me a joker, reminded me that it was the baby I could feel and took the gas & air off me. He was born fairly soon after that.
ReplyDeleteI got tea and toast both times and it is the best tea and toast you will ever have. Shame I had to share it with my husband!
My midwife was such a bitch, I can only remember very odd thoughts towards her. And I never had tea and toast. Can I go back and claim it now? Also, can I go and kick that woman very hard against her shin?
ReplyDelete