Hours: 1-2, about 2-3 times a week
Job Description: Make my swimming experience easier. Golfers have caddies. Birthing women have doulas. Why shouldn't I have a swimming sherpa?
Duties:
- Pick out and bring all necessary swimming equipment, remembering hairbrush, shampoo, deodorant, coin for locker, plastic bag for wet swimsuit, clean underwear, membership card, etc.
- Remind me to use loo before getting changed into swimsuit.
- Find big locker which has key with safety pin attached, or if unavailable, nick safety pin from key to small locker. (Or bring TWO coins for two small lockers, both with safety pins on key rings.)
- Work out how to fit my coat, shoes, clothes and other items into one locker, without getting rain/mud debris on clean/dry items (this is Scotland).
- Check out how attentive lifeguard is, and advise on whether showering before entering pool essential on each occasion.
- Hold towel while I swim.
- Hold glasses while I swim.
- Advise me if anyone is trying to catch my attention, ask them if I know them, and explain that I am very short-sighted and not ignoring them deliberately.
- Keep count of my number of lengths.
- Calculate mileage swum, with creative use of language as appropriate.
- Choose shower, based on criteria such as whether door shuts properly, whether plughole full of someone else's hair, whether shower gel dispenser is full, whether water is hot, strength of water jet, etc.
- Ensure my clothes don't fall on wet floor as I dress.
- Stand just outside cubicle, arms outstretched for use as additional hooks (or lobby health club to fix more than one hook in each cubicle.)
- Rinse and spin swimsuit.
- Locate functioning hair-dryer.
- Carry wet and dry kit home in appropriate bags, and hang out or place in laundry basket or put away.
Qualifications: No qualification required, but previous experience desirable. If you are a parent who has ever taken an under 5 swimming, you will be ideally qualified. Over-qualified, in fact. I won't expect you also to breast-feed a baby, or entertain one of my siblings with a book, while you attend to my needs. I won't cry if you bring me a Teletubbies towel instead of a Peppa Pig one, or refuse to leave the building without a treat.
