Hours: 1-2, about 2-3 times a week
Job Description: Make my swimming experience easier. Golfers have caddies. Birthing women have doulas. Why shouldn't I have a swimming sherpa?
Duties:
- Pick out and bring all necessary swimming equipment, remembering hairbrush, shampoo, deodorant, coin for locker, plastic bag for wet swimsuit, clean underwear, membership card, etc.
- Remind me to use loo before getting changed into swimsuit.
- Find big locker which has key with safety pin attached, or if unavailable, nick safety pin from key to small locker. (Or bring TWO coins for two small lockers, both with safety pins on key rings.)
- Work out how to fit my coat, shoes, clothes and other items into one locker, without getting rain/mud debris on clean/dry items (this is Scotland).
- Check out how attentive lifeguard is, and advise on whether showering before entering pool essential on each occasion.
- Hold towel while I swim.
- Hold glasses while I swim.
- Advise me if anyone is trying to catch my attention, ask them if I know them, and explain that I am very short-sighted and not ignoring them deliberately.
- Keep count of my number of lengths.
- Calculate mileage swum, with creative use of language as appropriate.
- Choose shower, based on criteria such as whether door shuts properly, whether plughole full of someone else's hair, whether shower gel dispenser is full, whether water is hot, strength of water jet, etc.
- Ensure my clothes don't fall on wet floor as I dress.
- Stand just outside cubicle, arms outstretched for use as additional hooks (or lobby health club to fix more than one hook in each cubicle.)
- Rinse and spin swimsuit.
- Locate functioning hair-dryer.
- Carry wet and dry kit home in appropriate bags, and hang out or place in laundry basket or put away.
Qualifications: No qualification required, but previous experience desirable. If you are a parent who has ever taken an under 5 swimming, you will be ideally qualified. Over-qualified, in fact. I won't expect you also to breast-feed a baby, or entertain one of my siblings with a book, while you attend to my needs. I won't cry if you bring me a Teletubbies towel instead of a Peppa Pig one, or refuse to leave the building without a treat.
You know, compared to wrangling Boy #2 into his piano lesson this afternoon, that sounds like a cinch. A relaxing job, in fact. Can I apply? Of course, I would expect you to pay my travelling expenses. And yes, I know Easyjet fly to Moscow now but BA only please...
ReplyDeleteI'm qualified, I'm qualified!
ReplyDeletehey, you never mentioned pay?
If you ever find a sherpa, could you ask if they have a friend that I could employ? ;) Sounds perfect!
ReplyDeleteHere's a deal: I'll come and be your sherpa (and my travelling expenses would be less than Clare's) if you come and take my kids to the pool... You've clearly got the necessary experience, after all.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'll make the same deal as planb - I'll do the job, if you take the Littleboys swimming. And you get a bonus if you can persuade Littleboy 2 to put his clothes on after swimming lesson in anything less than 20 minutes, from outside a changing room you're not allowed to go in because once they are six, they have to go into the big boys' room by themselves....
ReplyDeleteI'm just very impressed that you're swimming! I have too many memories of our primary school weekly trips to the local Victorian swimming pool where the water wasn't heated, the changing cubicles lined the pool, the doors were swing doors with a huge gap in the middle and I dropped my knickers on the wet floor every single time.
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly why I stick to spin classes and the elliptical trainer! If you do find a Sherpa, find out if she has relatives in Seoul...it might lure me back to the pool!
ReplyDeleteI'm lining up with plan b abd nappy valley. Or maybe send my lot in with nvg's boys and then retire for a coffee?
ReplyDelete