Why is it that people never take me up on offers of help?
I have a friend who's had a baby recently, and promised that she'd let me help out with her usual school run, and/or having her older children to play. She hasn't. I have another friend who broke both legs. I offered to help out in any way I could (she has 5 children, so I thought might be in a position to use some assistance). She said thanks, but she was fine. Then there's my friend who's having minor surgery this week, and whose husband is taking time off to look after her and her two children. We were talking today about how he can't be with her at the hospital, and be at home with the kids at the same time. So I offered to go with her to the hospital, or to be a drop-off point for her two kids. She wouldn't agree to either.
These friends helped me out on several occasions last summer. What is wrong with me? Which of the following do you think applies?
(a) I'm the most dreadful free-loading scrounger, when it comes down to it.
(b) They think I've got some horrendous contagious disease that I'm not being honest about, and they don't want to expose their children to me except in short supervised bursts. I should try and get the subject out into the open, by one day blurting out "my face has always looked like this, you know".
(c) I find it easy to ask for help, and don't feel that by doing so, I am failing or not coping. I expect other people to feel the same, but they don't. A lot of people find it very difficult. They drop hints, but somehow when I pick up those hints, I say the wrong things, and either overstep the boundaries, or foul up in some other way that I don't understand.
(d) Linked to (c), this is one of those competitive things that I fail to spot. There's an unspoken challenge to see who needs the least help, and I just haven't realised I'm an entrant (and not a very good one). I thought this was life, but it seems it's a series of competitions that other people know the rules to and I don't. Blogging fits into this category as well, or so I'm told.
(e) Since having children, I've never lived near family, so I've often been more needy of help than people who have their mum or sister round the corner. This means that I love the idea of a supportive community of mums/dads helping each other out, like a 1950's movie, and am happy to do my bit to create one, but 21st century life isn't like that, and I'm really out of step. There are possibly people in this city who, right now, are saying to each other "someone should really tell Iota..." Until they do, though, I'm going to keep on trying to be helpful, and wearing my nice selection of headscarves and wing-shaped sunglasses.
(f) Everyone runs their lives much more competently than I do, and so they don't need help. Not even when they have babies and/or surgical procedures, or break limbs.
(g) People don't realise how it can be quite hurtful not to allow someone who has been incapacitated and reliant on others, to reciprocate when they are in a position to do so.
Does anyone else have this problem?
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We're still seen as 'outsiders', nice ones but nevertheless!
ReplyDeleteI've thought of that, but one of the friends I mention is another non-American. And I had this problem when I lived in Scotland, and England. I think it's me.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's any of those - I think it's just instinct for some people to feel they either don't need, or can't ask for someone's help.
ReplyDeleteOkay - maybe, there is an element of people not wanting to impose on you given all that you've been through.
In these kinds of situations - I don't offer help - I just do it. Most of the time it centres around meals. I'll call my friend whom I think could use a hand and tell them 'I have dinner made for your family - when is a good time to drop it off?' - and 100% of the time they're thrilled and very grateful.
As my nana used to say 'wouldya's a bad fella' - in other words 'would you like some help?' won't often yield the answer you're looking for :)
I have seen this time and time again and I just assumed it was cultural. When I had the little guy and my older two were 7 and 10, I was really unwell for some time and when people offered help, I just took them up on it (car pool stuff mainly). However, there's just one other mother at the moment who has ever asked me to take her child home as she was stuck at the doctor's. She's new in town and hasn't much of a support network.
ReplyDeleteSometimes though, it can be quite dangerous. I have had more than a few friends who have been on anti-depressants and yet not told a soul. Perhaps if they'd let themselves be helped, or reached out in some way, theirs might have been avoided. (And I do understand the complexities of depression so please, no comments on my ignorance.)
Indeed, I found out the other day that a woman I used to be really friendly with but haven't seen for a few years (kids in different schools etc.) is in quite a bad way. I was trying to think of a reason to call her without embarrassing her, and my husband said "You can't solve everyone's problems". That really made me stop and think - do we help to make ourselves feel better sometimes?
I think after all you have been through that people feel they don't want to burden you.
ReplyDeleteI also feel that people treat me a bit differently because of my chemo etc. Sometimes I feel I have leprosy.
I wonder if others have found the same thing?
Nuts in May
This pre-dates my cancer. I noticed it in years gone by - though perhaps I feel more indebted to people now than I used to, which makes it feel more acute.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if it's just that a lot of people find it difficult to admit they're not self-sufficient.
I think you are right, lots of people do find it difficult to ask for help. But they are mad and making life difficult for themselves. But sometimes they don't know what to ask for, or how to ask it (especially if they have said 'oh no we're fine' a little while earlier).
ReplyDeleteI like Annie's idea, no one has ever been sad to receive a ready made dinner (I'm still grovelling at the knees of my neighbour who made us several such meals after my youngest was born).
But either way, I don't think you should be offended, refusing help says far more about the potential receiver than the giver. x
Id go with C, a lot of people, myself included, find it really hard letting people help us. We think we should be able to do it all, even though we will readily tell other people not to do it all and to let us help.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that though, anytime you want to pop round and look after my two that's fine with me. i've long gotten over the help with children = failure as a mother thing. now I'll give them away to anyone that will have them!
It's funny; back in London I found it hard to accept help too. Living here, though, it's much easier. Maybe it's something to do with being out of your comfort-zone that makes you realise it's no big deal to accept the (many) kind offers of help and also, once you have done, the vast benefit you can bring to others by returning the favour? I certainly plan to be more open to it all in the future!
ReplyDeleteI've left you the Sunshine award over at my blog. . . =)
ReplyDeleteI think it's just one of life's curiosities. Thankfully we do have some lovely mutually supportive friendships on the go, but I can equally think of examples similar to you. One in particular, has worried me, making me feel she doesn't trust me. But when I step back, I know she has insecurity issues which may be part of it. The reverse can be worse though, I had an incredibly needy friend who was permanently demanding and turned on me if I didn't meet her demands - not a good place to be in!
ReplyDeleteHowever, most of all, have you forgotten all the times you've helped me out?? Emails and parcels of baby stuff? OK, to be fair, you haven't babysat, so I'll pop her on the next plane purely to make you feel better. Ironically she'll be the one in the headscarf and sunglasses, which was yesterday's cute dressing up look, so she'll fit right in to your community!
I agree with the others, I think people find it difficult to accept help (otherwise known as feeling a 'failure' that they cant do it all). I think some people need to be needed and hate the idea of needing.
ReplyDeleteI became a single mum while being an expat and I went back to uni to do a second degree--no family to help but I was fortunate to be able to ask a handful of friends for help. They were wonderful, and even seemed to really enjoy helping.
Then I finished the degree, wasn't single any more and didn't need so much help--was even in a position to help others. Really crazily, some of those friends almost resented my new position. It was as if they needed me to be in a vulnerable position in order to feel needed and useful in my life, and when I didnt need them in the same way they seemed to really resent it--even so much as to interrupt me if I started telling them about something nice in my life (a nice holiday or a writing success) when trying to join into a discussion I previously couldn't be a part of due to single mum poverty and general life difficulties. They were other expats (not American).
I now have some friends (English) with whom I am able to share childcare, looking after the house on holiday, etc and it is lovely. It feels balanced. They were hesitant at first so I simply stopped beating around the bush and openly described the situation: we both need help with the school run (or whatever) so lets do a reciprocal system where I do some days and you do others, then neither of us feels like we're taking advantage of the other. And presto, it worked.
Ive written a whole post, havent I. Sorry. Obviously a topic that fires me up! I think its not you, it is intrinsic in people (women?). I know how you must need to feel like there is balance and you want to help those who helped you. Perhaps they just feel too anxious about accepting help. Perhaps if you just said 'look, I really appreciated your help last summer and I would feel really uncomfortable if it was one way; so for my benefit, please let me do something to help, even if it is a small thing.' That might appeal to another side of them and help them relax about the help. Dunno.
I used to feel hesitant about asking for help, just because I thought 'I made my bed, I must lie in it', but i'm over that now. However, i do feel the need to lavishly reward someone who helps me out, i think i'd rather pay them somehow that would make it seem fair. I wonder if your friends think that in the grand scheme of things what they are having to deal with isn't as bad as what you've had to deal with, and feel uncomfortable accepting help? the whole, 'you've got enough on your plate without taking a bit off mine as well' syndrome. You are familiar with that syndrome aren't you? I have written a long and erudite thesis on it...
ReplyDeleteI think the important thing is that you offered, and I'm sure they will remember that even if they refused the offer. Not everyone wants to admit that they need help, but it's nice to know that it's there for the times when you really do have no choice. I had lots of help from my NCT group of girls when I was in hospital for a month during my pregnancy with Littleboy 2; they stepped in at a time when we really had no other option and I will be eternally grateful.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a long time to finally be okay with excepting help from people, although in the situations you discribe I can't imagine not taking you up on your offer.
ReplyDeleteAs others have said, it might be that you have to offer something really tangible, 'Can I take the children to school all next week'? It can be hard to think of the help you actually need, especially when you need more help than you've ever needed before. And obviously a meal never goes unthanked. Maybe they just feel you already have a lot on your plate, having seen how hard it is to be away from family, and don't want to burden you? We live in a really friendly street, and there's always pitching in when it comes to babysitting and school runs. I mentioned this to another mum who shuddered and said, 'Stepford'. So some like to help and be helped, others think it's the next step to living in a commune!
ReplyDeleteI am always miles away from family as well, and with two premies and my operation stuff -- was very needy. Because everyone was so kinds and helped me in my hour of need -- I always want to help as well. I brought a dinner over to a new mum that I hardly knew and I think she though I was a bit nuts.
ReplyDeleteWhen you've had to ask for help it is easier to ask again but when you haven';t it's hard. For some it's a pride thing for tohers its just being shy. It is easier to help than to receive it graciously.
ReplyDeleteI think it's because we are trained to be self-reliant & independent. Our culture is no longer an extended family, community one. We also live in a commodities based society in the West where capitalism rules, everything has a price & you expect to pay for any product or commodity. It goes agnst every grain therefore to accept or even ask for help. Something for nothing is considered highly suspect & weird nowadays. A shame.
ReplyDeleteI found moving abroad threw me onto the mercy of others. I was at sea, helpless in an alien culture & I HAD to ask for help, had to get people to do things for me because i didnt speak the language for a start. It really humbles you & knocks yr pride but I think it's a very valuable lesson. It helps you empathise, shows you how the vulnerable feel & makes us interdependent which I think is a good thing.
By the way I was very grateful for your help when I told you the diffs I had findign a leotard & ballet shoes that weren't a HUGE imported price. you sent me yr daughter's all the way from America to Albania & I really appreciated it. It wa sfun to get somethign really & tangible from a cyber pal too:o)
i wish people would let me help them more.... but then again, i find it very difficult to be helped myself.... tricky, tricky.
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