OK. Time to reveal what is behind all this ‘shadow cast over the sunshine that was Thanksgiving’ blurb.
We don't have a return ticket. It must be nice to be sent abroad by a company, for a fixed period of time, 2 or 3 years say, safe in the knowledge that they'll bring you home again to the corporate fold. But we're free-lancers. We sold our house and bought one here. We don't have jobs to go back to. We don't have an obvious community to go back to. In sum, we don't have a life to go back to. Just lots of loose strands. Lovely, important, crucial, life-enhancing loose strands, but all the same, they're not a firm enough rope to pull us back. Not a job and an income, is what it boils down to.
What do you do, as free-lancers, if you've been looking hard for a year for opportunities to return to the UK, have found none, and then out of the blue, get an offer, which is great in pretty much every detail, except for the location. Wrong side of the Atlantic. It'll involve moving job, city, state, home, schools, leaving friends, undoing all that hard work we've put into settling here, and still not get us back to Britain. It would be a good stepping stone (both career-wise, and geographically), but dang it, I didn’t ask Santa for a stepping stone.
I’m sure there were moments, as a child, when I screwed up my eyes and wailed “I want to go home now. Can’t we just go home?”. Forty years on, and deep down that’s what I’m doing today. I could write out the pros and cons of this new opportunity. The pros would be a great long list, and the cons would be “Iota wants to go home*, and can’t face moving unless it’s to achieve that”. Does that count for anything?
And that is why, dear Bloggy Friends, writing about the Expat’s Paradox is so scary at the moment. Moving within the US now, with the kids at the ages they are (oldest will be 13 by next summer, which is when the move would happen), feels like we are making the decision to stay for the duration. I know it’s not, or it doesn’t have to be, but it feels like it is. And I really don’t want to. I really don’t. Had you spotted that already? I really don’t.
Which is why I felt almost resentful, as well as happy and grateful, when we had such a nice Thanksgiving. As I said to a friend here, I was excited to move to America, and embraced it as an adventure. But I didn't really mean it.
* and remember, I haven't let myself use that word to refer to Britain for three years now, but have religiously attached it to my current abode. But this morning I'm allowing myself to peel it off and reposition it.
That is a tough decision. I can see that it would be a huge upheaval; you have a life where you are and moving somewhere else in the US is a whole new kettle of fish. Is it worth hanging on till next year and seeing if something comes up in the UK...things are crap their work wise at the moment (at least in my field) but they might improve?
ReplyDeleteSorry, meant things are crap 'there' - my grammar has gone to pot (a clear sign I haven't been doing any journalism recently...).
ReplyDeleteI feel for you and I understand entirely. You have to do what's best for the family. If you go back, you'll find a way to make it. Trust yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm still holding out for Southern England.
ReplyDeleteThat is a very sucky situation. I hope you find a job in the UK anyway. No job is worth being unhappy for, no matter how high the stepping stone.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering why the UK is "home". Is it family? Friends? Yorkshire pudding? Grey days? Red buses? People who know how to say "tomato"?
ReplyDeleteWe're contemplating a move. Not as far as you, but a long way from everything that has been "home" to me for the last 32 years, and so it's got me thinking about what "home" really means.
I really hope you (all) work out something that is right for you, and second Mwa's comment. Don't make yourself miserable, even if your head is telling you it's the "right" thing to do. It's not.
Wow, Iota -- that's a bummer in terms of the location. It must be daunting to know you've moved to the states -- set down roots -- and now need to move again within the states and not back to the UK. Moving is never fun -- especially that first six months-time it takes to make new friends and get established again. I guess my advice to you is to consider this job opportunity separately from your desire to go back to the UK -- if that is at all possible. As I tell my boyfriend about his degree -- nothing is a permanent decision. You can always try something out and then change your mind. Maybe telling yourself that will make it less daunting?
ReplyDeleteCan I ask where you're moving to? I'm jealous. Honestly. England is way overrated. We'd jump at the chance to move back to the States. Think about all that you love about America. There must be lots. Not least how much friendly Yanks are.... (I miss my American friends....)
ReplyDeletePS I wrote that before reading your original Thanksgiving post, which obviously hits the nail on the American friendship head. Wow, your week sounds great. I wonder if we went to the same Colorado thermal springs earlier this year....?
ReplyDeleteoh that's tough, what a horrible dilemma. I can fully understand the 'i want to go home' sobbing, have done that lots, even though there's not really home to go back to.
ReplyDeleteI moved very reluctantly to Paris over 3 years ago, and I think my negativity did make the first 1 - 2 years hard, but then gradually it just becomes what you do and you look for positives. I know that's claptrap, and really not much help (bit wishy washy), but it's the best I can come up with (other than f@"%k it, let's go back to blighty. I used symbols so as not to upset your Mother in Law!!)
Pigx
I think the same thing myself all the time, I'm getting more and more entrenched here in the UK and I wonder if I'm inadvertently making a long term decision without realizing that I'm doing so. When I think about my pension in the UK versus my social security payments in the US, for example, it becomes very clear that I've moved and can not quite go back. Totally and utterly scary to consider.
ReplyDeleteIt's such a difficult situation for you, especially when there are children involved. I was so worried about where my boys would consider home. I feel completely settled at the moment but I wonder at what point will the 'I want to go home' feelings kick in. I hope things work out for you in a way that makes you happy.
ReplyDeleteThis is hard. There is so little to come back to work-wise here in the UK. Now is not the time but I can understand your longing to come back. I did a lot of assignments on business abroad but after a while, I would get homesick but I did not have the complication of moving a family. I hope it all works out for you. All the best.
ReplyDeleteOh dear. I am pondering about similar things at the moments. I have nowhere to call home, and although sometimes I miss this feeling, I am afraid to lay my roots somewhere and get stuck.
ReplyDeleteIf you really want to go home, it might be worth to stay where you are and see for things to change next year. They say the economy is going to pick up within 2010...
Good luck!
Well, you know how I feel about this & how I empathise. Especially with the 'Trapped Abroad' feeling. We wd be moved back or anywhere else in the world, but since my husbaad works in development (as of only the last 7 yrs) there isn't much career scope for that in the UK. And I wnt my kids to have some childhood in England. I'm also holding out for Southern England for you;o) And re job market I don't think yr husband's field is really affected by the economic crisis
ReplyDeleteYou probably have until oldest is in high school before you're really locked in. Then it would be difficult to switch from US to UK education, but not impossible.
ReplyDeleteMy Mum knew that feeling; it's horrid. She used to say she took it one step at a time for the enormity can sometimes threaten to drown you. She sadused to say a step anywhere had to be one in the right direction...
ReplyDeleteOh what a dilemna. Must definitely come and see you SOON in the new year. Ex happened to casually mention about the boys being in school in Chicago for 2010/2011 this week. You Wha? I said (or words to that effect). We. Are. Going. Home I said (or words to that effect). You promised. You said I could trust you (fool. Fool!). And then I start to think...maybe I could be here a bit longer. And then I start to think NOOOOOO! And then I simply sit and suck my thumb, rock on my heels back and forth and start pulling out my hair, strand by grey strand.
ReplyDelete*sigh.
Home is such an emotional word. Like you I didn't use it to refer to the UK, right up until the point came when we made a decision that we were going back. Now it is home again in a big way.
ReplyDeleteI hope something comes up for you, it is a tough call. What do the rest of the family think about it? Do the kids want to come back to the UK?
Is it an opportunity to leave the midwest (I hope). Seriously, it is hard, but if you are only in the US temporarily, why not try another area? If you move to either coast you will find loads of expats...
ReplyDeleteHi Iota, Feel for you very much in your decision. I think you have to really listen to your heart and do what's right for that part of you...As you said the only con is.....I want to go home.... but thats huge...maybe the most important thing. I have just moved back to Ireland from Australia...recession and all and am delighted but I have many friends here and it is definitely home. All very best with your decision.x
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