What to Say, What Not to Say

People often say to me “Iota, you know a thing or two about moving abroad. I have a question you might be able to help me with.” Actually they don’t. No-one has ever said that to me. Ever. I wish they would. It would add some kind of meaning and value to the experience, and make me feel affirmed and reconstructed. What they do say is “I love your accent”. That doesn’t add meaning and make me feel reconstructed. It makes me feel like I’ve got an English accent.

Let me start again. I wish people would say to me “Iota, you know a thing or two about moving abroad. A friend of mine tells me her husband has just got a job in some far-flung place in America which no-one has ever heard of, and they’re leaving in a few months time. What should I say to her?” I would reply “I’m glad you asked me that. Yes, you’re right. I do indeed know a thing or two about what someone in that situation would like to hear. In fact, right here I have a copy of a list I prepared on just this very topic, since people are always asking me this type of question.” I would click my fingers, and my assistant would bring it through from the outer office. Either that, or I’d fidget about on my computer, puzzle over why the darn thing wasn’t working, remember to turn the printer on, sweep aside the Barbie colouring pictures that I’d printed out earlier that morning from the internet, and print it out myself, since actually I was lying about the assistant and the outer office.

Things Not to Say
• Don’t immediately say “how long are you going for?” If you want to know, slip that one in further along in the conversation. Just don’t make it your first question. Doesn’t focus on the positives enough.
• Don’t sing. If she’s going to Oklahoma, don’t burst into song about the wind coming sweepin’ down the plain. If she’s going to Texas, don’t start up about the way to Amarillo. If she’s going to San Francisco, don’t warble about flowers in her hair. You will not be the first. I guarantee you will not be the first. She will not find it funny (though may be polite enough to smile instead of decking you).
• Don’t express an opinion about the children’s education. In particular, don’t help her to calculate how many years it is before she needs to be back for the start of GCSE curricula. She will already have done this. She does not need your help. Don’t ask “what are the schools like?”. America is a big place. She will be hoping there might be one or two good schools out there.
• Don’t talk about the children’s accents. Not unless you want to damn yourself as unoriginal in the extreme.
• Don’t use the words ‘cope’ and ‘children’ in the same sentence. Team up the word ‘children’ with words such as ‘flourish’, ‘enrich’ and ‘widen horizons’.
• Don’t point out she’ll be Mom instead of Mum. It’s a conversation stopper.
• Don’t ask about hurricanes, tornadoes or other natural disasters. Best not.

Things to Say
• Wow, that’s exciting. What an opportunity!
• Good for you. Is there anything I can do to help?
• You probably won’t ever want to come back (and try not to look as if you both know this is a fib - it’s a useful one at this point in the proceedings).
• Americans are very friendly and welcoming.
• They’ll love you over there. They love the English. (If you really really have to talk about accents, you can do it at this point.)
• I’ve noticed, when you read the little biographical notes in book jackets about people who have had really interesting lives and done really interesting things, it often says that they grew up in more than one place. I’ve noticed that loads of times. It must add something to a childhood.

I was lying about the assistant and the outer office, but believe me when I tell you this last one is worth tucking into your memory for future use. I think it is the best thing that anyone said to me about our move. You’ll have to remember it, though, because I won’t necessarily be around when you want to ask me. Even if I am, you’ll have to get past the assistant, and she’ll just tell you to join the end of the long line snaking its way out of the outer office and down the corridor.