I have a confession to make.
When I started blogging, I was an SAHM, and at that time, the blogosphere often resounded to the strains of SAHMs justifying themselves, trying not to justify themselves, feeling angry about having to justify themselves... It probably still is, but I'm not reading it so much in my own circles, because it tends to be a preoccupation of mums with younger children than mine. Anyway, as I said in my previous post, I often chipped into the debate, and waved the "SAHM and happy" flag.
Then I got a part-time job. Very part-time - only a few hours a week. Not a very glamorous job. I mean, I wasn't running my own successful business, or heading up a department in a multinational corporation. I was a Sales Assistant in a toy shop, and on the minimum wage (though I did negotiate a 50% pay rise for my second year, which I thought was pretty good going).
The confession is this. When I got the job, I loved being able to say I had one. There was a moment when I was filling in a questionnaire, and in the section headed ‘Occupation’, instead of ticking the box ‘Not in employment’ or ‘Caring for dependents’ or whatever it was labelled, I ticked the box ‘Retail’. I loved that moment.
When people asked me what I did, I no longer had to say "Oh, I'm at home with the kids". I really liked that. Which is dreadful, because I'd so often commented on blogs "Don't say ‘I'm just at home with the kids’ - it's a really important job, the most important job you could be doing, actually. Say it with pride." I don't know if I'd convinced anyone else, but I certainly hadn't convinced myself. I really liked that I'd jumped over to the other side. But I didn't want to feel that it was "the other side". For all the rhetoric about choices, doing what's right for you and your family, etc etc, fundamentally, I think I had been looking down on myself and other SAHMs.
That’s my confession. So now, I feel bad on two counts. First, I am an SAHM and therefore don't do anything (see previous post). And second, I am outed as the kind of horrible woman who looks down on SAHMs, and think they don't do anything.
I am nothing if not honest.
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We set so many boundaries, don't we? Single mother, stay at home mother, working mother. Each has its own challenges, each has its own rewards—and men never seem to feel the need for such distinctions.
ReplyDeleteThe final stage will be retirement, at least from paid work, for we can never become retired mothers. And there are times when I want to strangle my children when they ask, "What did you do today, Mom?" I did absolutely nothing, though I filled my day up quite nicely. And I enjoyed it. I am gradually learning not to be so hard on myself. For everything there is a season.
Even though I do quite a lot of work from home, I'm technically not employed by anyone, unless you count the odd hours for the BBC. However, instead of saying I don't do anything or I"m just at home with the kids etc, I just say "Oh, I laze around all day eating chocolates and watching TV." Usually moves the conversation elsewhere quite nicely.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this!! I know exactly where you're coming from. No matter how crazy busy I am as a sahm, I definitely don't feel the same sense of worth as I did when I was working. And I always feel like i have to justify myself, explaining what I do with my days. I never did that when I could just tell someone my job role.. Silly isn't it?
ReplyDeleteIn the Netherlands I never get asked straight out what I do. Somewhere, some time, in some conversation it will become clear. I think it is too personal a question to ask. It's almost like asking how much money you have to live on.
ReplyDeleteI didn't think I did much when I was staying at home with the boys when they were younger, but after I went back to work, we all missed whatever it was that I did. While it's nice to have that extra money, there's a lot to be said for having someone at home to keep things running smoothly behind the scenes - the stress level at home was much lower. When I didn't work, I often fantasized about going back. Now that I'm working again, I long for the freedom of being a SAHM.
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It's the effect of living in transitional times. Thirty/forty years ago it was expected that mothers would stay at home. There wasn't the stigma because most people did it. Now we've got more job opportunities we feel we're expected to combine a career with perfect child-rearing and feel guilty which ever one we choose to focus on. If anyone asks me what I do I tell them I'm purely ornamental.
ReplyDeleteLoved these last two posts. As a SAHM I can totally relate. ANd as always you manage to convey what so many of us SAHMs feel in such a beautiful way. Surely that has to be a gift!
ReplyDeleteI was also wondering if perhaps you are just feeling particularly unsettled at the moment because after your big move back to Britain you finally feel like the rest of your family has settled into their new lives while you have been so busy trying to settle them into their lives that you haven't had chance to think about yourself until now!
Me too. Again. But I've never had the courage to come out and say it.
ReplyDeleteBut if I'm honest, high on the list of reasons I still do my pitiful one day a week is so that I can say I "DO" something, as though looking after four children, a husband and occasionally myself is nothing.
I like Middle-aged Matron's line. Ornamental is where it's at.
I can understand your pain. Life is simpler when you can just give an easily-understood job title when people ask what you do.
ReplyDelete