Why do I feel I do nothing?
I know the answer, actually. It's because
- When I had pre-school children, I used to look at mothers of school age children and think "wow, you have so many hours a day to get things done". I assumed that when my children were at school, I would have everything done in a wink, and then have time for new exciting ventures too. Now those days are here, I still don't achieve everything I want to do, and I have no time for any ventures, new, exciting, or otherwise.
- Although I know I hold family life together, and I know that is an important role, it seems like not very much. It's very invisible. It's so invisible that even I don't see it.
- For all the blog posts I've written and commented upon on this issue (and believe me, it's quite a number), and for all the encouragement I've given, and for all the times I've said "it's not a competition", somewhere deep down, I must feel it IS a competition. So although I know that life involves choices, sometimes dictated by circumstances, sometimes not, somehow I feel that being out at work AND having a family proves you are a more competent person than just having a family (just having a family...). I want to be one of those more competent people. There is a corner of me that sniffs a GCSE in "being competent" that I could be working for, or if not a GCSE, at least a gold star.
- If I enjoy the things I do (eg supermarket shopping - yes, I do enjoy that), then somehow I can't let myself see them as "work", and if they're not "work", then they're fun/pleasure/leisure/bunking off/slacking and I can't count them. Which is clearly ridiculous, because if I was in a job, and enjoyed elements of that job, I wouldn't feel guilty and as if I was being paid to enjoy myself. I'd just think they were part of the job.
- There is far too much Protestant Work Ethic around. Who needs to work to justify themselves in any case?
- This time a year ago, I had a part-time job and I was studying part-time for an MA. Then we moved back to Britain, and although I am trying to put those things in place again (I've had TWO job interviews in the past fortnight, go Iota!), these things take time. I find it hard to be patient. But I was also slightly relieved not to get the jobs. Even a few hours a week would put a strain on me, and on family life, and after you've moved to a new place, there needs to be a bit of slack around, even if the cost of that slack is that there's often a bit too much of it. My time will come.
Ooh, that last one sounded a bit spot on, didn't it?
Meanwhile, yes, I suppose if we're calling a spade a spade, it would be good to say out loud that this move has involved sacrifices. They don't come anywhere near outweighing the benefits, and I'm not the only one who has made sacrifices, but it's probably helpful to look at that spade and name it. Though talking of spades just makes me think about how I've done nothing at all in our new garden, and how can that be? because I have so many free hours a day, (though looking at the state of the house you wouldn't think so), and everyone likes to do gardening, right? and with the amount of free time I have, since my children are at school all day, I could be growing our own organic vegetables, so I'll just add that to the list of things I should do but haven't done.
Waah.
.
I think you need to cut yourself a break, as the Americans would say. It's very hard moving an entire family (I should know, I'm about to do it again) and getting yourself settled takes a really long time. A good friend of mine has been here for three years after moving from London, and although she is highly qualified she has only just started applying for jobs. As a mother, it's very easy to beat yourself up. You'll get there in the end. And in the meantime, enjoy the supermarket!
ReplyDeleteOh Iota, I could have written this blog post but you have kindly saved me the trouble. In September 2011, I sold my little PR business. I almost immediately bought a franchise. It was a disaster. I binned it. Then we moved. Then we had six months of upheaval with the house build and settling the boys in, making new friends blah blah. But come January, I knew that it was time I pulled my socks up and DID SOMETHING. Because obviously being a mum and being chair of the PTA and cleaning the house and running our lives isn't enough. Is it? I am right there with you that I feel just a little bit less of a person than those people who work and juggle kids - like I did for the last 8 years.
ReplyDeleteWhich is why I then decided that I had to start another business or write a novel. I have opted to write the novel. I know that I will see myself as the world's biggest failure unless this novel is a) published b) sells well and c) makes me money. The likelihood of any of these things happening are next to zero.
Even though it is hard work to write a novel, it doesn't feel like a job. And until I earn money, I think I won't feel as though I'm pulling my weight. I hate that I think this way. I wish I could be like the other SAHMs who genuinely seem to love every moment of their lives and are fully comfortable just being them.
And another thing. That assumption that because you don't go out to work you must be (a) free for lunch/coffee at a moment's notice and never plan your weekly activities and (b) you are desperate to find "something to do" so want to help with all the school events and do all the church jobs and run the toddler group and the pre-school and the village sports clubs and join every "big society" activity that happens within a 5 mile radius.
ReplyDeleteMy latest Big Thing is riding my road bike, which I love and do while the kids are at school. I could "take time off" and go at the weekend (dh would be v happy with this; he does just that for half of every Saturday after all) but I don't like to. I need exercise to keep body and mind fit. If I went to the gym and hated it I wouldn't feel guilty, but because I charge round the gorgeous countryside in the sunshine loving every minute I do feel guilty.
Ho hum.
J x
What? You don't have the answer? *gasp* I only have three and a half more years until both kids will be going to school. I need an answer until then. Pretty please?
ReplyDeleteAnd for that spade - leave it where it is for now. I bought and planted three beautiful (ludicrously expensive) hydrangeas and they all died the other weekend, because winter had decided to pop by again.
PS: I love supermarkets.
Ah, I SO relate to this. Went thru all those emotions. I couldn't work out what I did with all the time, couldn't imagine how wd have TIME to work and always felt I had to justify stuff when hubby said what did you do today, or what are you going to do today? And having 5 1/2 hrs between drop off & pick up to walk dog, do the washing, shopping, clean the house, tidy, bake, do admin etc. It somehow didn't seem v long. HOWEVER when we moved back to the UK I said I was NOT going to work for a yr. And that helped cos it meant I took the pressure off myself & was an easy answer when people asked me about working. I needed time to settle the family, sort the house wch had been rented, then decorate it myself, sell our house, buy a car etc. There is a LOT to sort when you repatriate.
ReplyDeleteNow I am working 25 miles away 4 days a wk, but still not enough to pay a cleaner, as I spend £280 a mth just on petrol getting to work & back. And I feel stressed, feel I'm dropping balls everywhere & being a v inadequate mum & barely seeing the children. So when they asked me to consider staying on but full time, I said no way. So come July I am going to be penniless again but wth time on my hands. It seems you can never have it all!
The other thing to watch is when you are at home & 'available' you get really used & abused looking after other people's children, fetching them from school etc etc.
Well said. I feel exactly the same, even though I have a part-time job. Unless I'm earning a living, cleaning the house or ministering to the parish faithful I feel irrationally unjustifiable and it's a scientific fact that the six hours the kids are at school are half the length of ordinary hours.
ReplyDeleteThis is my life. I thought that when the children started school in September that I would have the house and garden de-cluttered, clean/tidy and organised AND my blog would be neglected no more, but then I started volunteering at school, joined the PTA (still not sure how that happened) and then it was Xmas. Now I spend the hours the boys are at school recovering from pneumonia. The days still fly by and I'm not even doing anything. Don't be too hard on yourself. Have another cup of tea.
ReplyDeleteLate as usual, so sorry - it must be all the stuff I have to do, what with the washing, ironing, tidying, cooking, shopping, (blogging) etc etc.
ReplyDeleteBut I know, too. Niggling at the back of my mind is the threatening question "but what am I going to DO when M is at school?". I realise it's still 3 years away, but somehow, with A and S starting this August, that doesn't feel that far off, and somehow too, I feel as though my life of leisure (which is what it feels like objectively, even if it doesn't psychologically or physically) won't be justifiable at that point.
Which is clearly ridiculous. And when I want to remind myself of that I remember this: my life is insured for over a quarter of a million pounds. Why? Because that's what it would cost, in real money, for B to get someone to do all the stuff I do.
It works out at over £100k a year. So if you look at it that way, I'm the top wage earner in this house...