I am in England and I am weary.
I am weary because the journey is long and the time difference a pain. It takes a few days to adjust.
I am weary because I landed at Gatwick, raced around the south of England delivering tired but excited children to stalwart members of the family who looked after them while I sped off to join Husband at a job interview. He was glad I was there, but it didn't make any difference. He didn't get the job.
I am weary when I read blogs written by expats. For the first time ever, I can't really be bothered to summon up an opinion on posts which I used to find fascinating, on language, culture, everyday life. Does any of it matter?
I am weary of being an expat. I am tired of people assuming I'd like to back in Britain. They're right, and they base their assumptions on what I've told them. They haven't taken liberties. But I'm annoyed at what they assume, because it somehow devalues my current life in America. I have always tried to live in the moment, not in the future. I have called our house in America "home", and called Britain "Britain". I did that deliberately, but there is also truth in it, truth that took a while to become true, but is now true. At least I think so. I don't even know any more. I feel like other people think my life is in an aeroplane in the stack above London, circling and circling, waiting patiently to land and begin the next chapter. But it's not. My life is in the Midwest, full of friends and fun and family adventure. And yet, of course, they're right, deep down I probably am circling in that stack, and that's why I'm annoyed. I'm not really annoyed with them. I'm annoyed with myself. Because I'm not as free-floating as I pretend.
I am weary when I think of Cyber Mummy. Can I be bothered to go? There's a waiting list, I believe, so I could get my money back. I'm thinking there are better things to spend that cash on. Can't I just meet up for a drink the night before with the bloggy friends I really want to see? That's the bit I honestly want to do.
I am weary when I think of blogging, because I can't keep up, and don't want to keep up. I don't facebook, I don't twitter, and I know this means that I'm on the edge of blogging, that I don't have a future. It's just a matter of time. I've always been of the opinion that there's space for everyone in the blogosphere, but I guess it's not a nice feeling to know that you're just drifting slowly to the edges, making way for the next new generation of bloggers, and the next one, and the next one.
I am weary, because there's lots I'd love to write about, and I can't, because I gave up my lovely anonymity. Writing an anonymous blog is very freeing. You can say what you like. Should I ditch The Iota Quota and start another one secretly, where I can share of myself like I used to? (Ha! Perhaps I already have and I'm bluffing you!)
I am too weary even to polish this into a reasonable piece of writing. I am just going to press "publish post" and see what you all say.
.
There's a huge amount in there Iota, about blogging, about life, about you. Come to Cybermummy. You're in the UK now so you're almost here. You'll regret it if you don't. Come and talk to some bloggers in person and don't many any decisions about your blog until you do. As for everything else, it might feel a little better after some decent sleep. Jetlag is enough to make anyone weary. x
ReplyDeleteThere's no reason why you can't start an anonymous blog, in fact I think you should. It's funny, when I'm in England most people assume my life in the States is far more fabulous than anything possible in the UK. If only they knew!
ReplyDeleteAnd please come to CM. It won't be enough just having a few drinks on the Friday.
And yes, blame it on the jetlag. You'll be fine in a couple of days.
ReplyDeleteThat was a great post and I do understand.
ReplyDeleteI also enjoyed being anonymous in the beginning before all those little gadgets told everyone exactly where I lived!
Somehow or other, neighbours & some relatives got to see my blog & there are so many things that I now feel that I can't write about.
It would be a pity to give up your excellent blog. I suppose you could open a new one & try and keep it anonymous.
I hope you get to enjoy being over here and that you'll feel better when the jet-lag eases off. Takes one day for every hour!
Really sorry that your husband didn't get the job.
Maggie X
Nuts in May
There's a waiting list? Bang goes my idea of sneaking in at the last minute once I work out what's happening in my life... So yes please to a drink on Friday.
ReplyDeleteMore seriously though, as Rosie says, there's an awful lot in here, but the one that's striking me (apart from how sorry I am about the job) is your feeling you're on the periphery of blogging. Doesn't it depend on what you blog for and what you think your blog is for? For me, and obviously this is just my impression, your blog is about fantastic writing that tickles a different emotion every time, an open mind introducing me to a different life, different opinions and different experiences, and brilliant stories from a life with (for me) unimaginably older children. I can't see how any of that would be improved by 140 character updates, or facebook "likes". You do what you do incredibly well, and you should be proud of it (not least because I note you're still 33rd in the Tots 100 without all the other stuff... I suspect you could still take over the world if you wanted to).
I prescribe a few chilled out days in a garden somewhere anonymous where you are known and loved and have to explain nothing to anyone, and then catching up with a few friends when you feel a bit more energetic. I have a 3 yo who will be very pleased to see his furry blogmother.
ReplyDeletexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
J
I think you are incredible, I love your writing and I don't think you are on the outside of blogging at all you are part of it's heart. The bit that beats out amazing stories, another world, advice, emotion just about everything.
ReplyDeleteI do understand about feeling on the edge and I know that when I am tired it feels a whole lot worse. I hope after a rest it doesn't seem so bad.
Do go to Cybermummy there are so many there who so look forward to seeing you and you don't have to talk to everyone. I will not be there to accost you in the loo like I did last year that must be some comfort knowing you can go to the loo for respite, think of me then who so wishes she could be there with everyone...
i know what you mean about the freedom of being anonymous. which is why i started another blog under a different guise ahaaaa!
ReplyDeleteIt may be the jetlag talking? or maybe not? I'm sorry your husband didn't get the job
x
Re: being weary about blogging - there's nothing wrong with taking a wee break. Like others before, I recommend sleep and a little downtime. Enjoy your visit in England. :-)
ReplyDeleteLovely Iota. I get the weariness, I have it too, but last week when I thought I'd lost my blog it was devastating, so I'm trying to reclaim it a little. What Tattie Weasel said is so true - you are part of the heart. You write beautifully and brilliantly even when you are struggling with it. If you do decide to start anew then I get it, but I really like knowing where to find you. Like you I feel sort of lost and on the outside. I can't keep up, I don't want to keep up, but I still want to write so I'm going to keep on plodding and I hope you do too because this place wouldn't be the same without you.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little scared of cybermummy, but I'll be there, and if you want to meet the night before I'd love to be on your guest list.
In the mean time sleep, rest, let people pamper you a little, and stop being so hard on yourself. Give those kids a hug, drink some wine and toast your lovely bloke (not literally - that would be mean). If all else fails there's always chocolate, and remember, you have good friends both sides of the Atlantic, so wherever you are there will always be someone to share a cuppa with. Hugs.
How did you know exactly how I'm feeling? without the Cybermummy bit.
ReplyDeleteOh I understand about the blogging. I've drifted off the edge because I lost my anaonymity and there's stuff I really wanted to write and rant about but didn't dare, as it might have rebounded on the kids. I've had a few stabs at getting going again, but none very successfully. I think maybe I should start another one up, an anonymous one, but then there's all the starting again, building contacts. So I haven't. And I sympathise with you but don't know the answer!
ReplyDeleteIf you're up north on your travels, do get in touch.
Sometimes all the little things just add up to one big I-can't-take-it-anymore. Sounds like you are there right now. You may feel differently in a day or two; you may not. But do give yourself a little downtime and plenty of grace before you decide anything. Maybe a new anonymous blog is the way to go, just to do some of that writing that you really can't do as a known entity. I've only been blogging for a few months, but have found myself mentally editing opinions, phrases, and blog topics fairly often. Can't imagine how it must add up over the years. I second all of the suggestions to give yourself some rest, time, and space. And I suspect that many of the Cybermummies would be able to relate very strongly to what you're describing...might be just what the doctor ordered.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't come to CyberMummy I will be dry eyed the whole time and that won't do.
ReplyDeleteI understand. All of it. Even just the general weariness. Some of this is that weird thing that happens when we combine jet lag with emotions with being expats and arriving home home again. But you know that.
ReplyDeleteAn anonymous blog would be exciting and cathartic if it isn't extra work! I've had that thought too.
Cybermummy? Well, I do understand. But I do hope you come. xo
how weird. I just published a post about cybermummy and about how I feel as though I've fallen off the blogging radar, much like the outer fringes you refer to (only a lot more eloquently than I did). I will be at Cybermummy so if you do, please let me know!
ReplyDeleteSorry about the job. Bummer.
ReplyDeleteRe. yr post, i feel very similarly.I HAVE got my ticket home, but I don't want to go! I SO don't want this phase of my life abroad to end. I feel very wobbly about the transition. But that is just the uprooting & because i have made a home here. There are things to look forward to & be pleased about, I know. I understadn how oyu feel that you want something , but nevertheless you don't want people to feel sorry for you as if you are having a bad time in America. I get that that's not it, it's just a feeling of limbo-ness when you know you don't want to be in the States for ever, so really you'd quite like to get on wth the next stage as you feel ready for it now.
What is it you feel makes you feel 'on the fringes'?
I don't see how someone who is number 33 in the TOTS 100 index, a MADS nominee again this yr, a finalist last yr, rarely gets less than 15 comments a post & has numerous people telling you they like you, your blog, your writing & can't wait to see you at Cybermummy, can feel on the fringes. You should try being me! This is more a description of me, & from comments, seemingly others too. I have never made it past the fringe. Suddenly no one is reading or commenting on my recent posts, not even my regular readers. Imagine how that feels...no one is listening. You can disappear for 3 wks & it makes no difference & you don't even Twitter or FB. It all seems so effortless for you, to us onlookers!
I am not going to Cybermummy this year because it is so expensive, & I did feel very 'not in' last year, & to tell you the truth very much in your shadow. Everyone wanted to meet you not me. But I wanted to hang around with you because we were friends! I am sure you will go & I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun, & as you can see from your comments, people can't wait to see you again. Now that's pretty special & something to feel good about!
Oh wow. This is an unexpected post to read. Brave and raw. I get it. I have been there on the 'home' front. Well in a similar way. I wanted to be home but also did have a life/friends that I valued hugely in the US and that limbo was...annoying. As for the blogging...my God, you're an amazing writer. I don't twitter or facebook or get asked to do sponsored posts or get nominated - and part of me feels like an absolute blogging failure. And another part of me looks back at what I have written over the past few years and is just so glad it is out there somewhere - and am so grateful for the few people that I do consider my friends that I have met purely through the blog - you being one of them. I can't wait to see you on the Friday night. I'm nervous about attending CM too - is it really going to be for me? You've met me - you know I am not going to like feeling invisible/crap!!!! That will be a right shot to my fragile ego!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, ramble, ramble, ramble. If you're around I would LOVE to see you once the jetlag has passed. And if you do go to CM i promise to accost you in the loos in lieu of Tattie not being there (as she is giving me her ticket) so you would at least have that to look forward to...;-)))
Please don't give up blogging - you are one of the best. It's not about Facebook or Twitter of Cybermummy - which I don't even have the option of going to, so don't worry! There are lots of people who will still read your blog, whatever happens, whether you are expat or non-expat. But don't be afraid of having a good long break either. I also feel as if I need one, and I might just have one this summer.
ReplyDeleteIota, I'm new-ish to your blog, but I appreciate hearing what you write. It brings clarity to how I feel sometimes about living abroad. And as I think about returning 'home' to California in the next couple of years, there is joy mixed with sorrow (or sorrow mixed with joy?). Because, as you said, I don't want to it to sound like I am eager to leave this place I am now. I love it here, truly have felt at home for 9 years now. Thanks for sharing the mixed emotions and as you spend some time in Britain right now, may you be blessed as you connect with people you love there.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, you are weary, aren't you?
ReplyDeleteIt's strange being an expat in that you kind of straddle the Atlantic! lol I watched the Man U vs Barcelona game yesterday, which was interesting. It did, of course, remind me of home, but I've not suffered any serious home sickness yet.
I am going to write a blog soon called: "The perils of being a British expat blogger" - please don't steal my title! ;-)
Paul
http://fromsheeptoalligators.blogspot.com/
Your writing is so amazingly wonderful - and your reading at Cybermummy last year was one of the highlights for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm about to become an expat blogger too, as we move to Canada this summer. I came to your blog tonight to comfort myself with your lovely writing. I know it's hard losing anonymity - it stifles my blog writing, too. But I hope you do carry on.
Iota, I hope this will pass! I'm quite new to your blog, but I would miss it. I can't believe you see yourself as "on the edge" of blogging. You have built a community around your blog. I blog just once a week (Friday morning) and tune out all those who say one must blog daily or at least several times a week to "succeed." I don't see how they do it. I would have no life at all! I finally got on Twitter but will likely never get on Facebook. I can't manage one more thing! So I hope you'll rest up, take a break from blogging if that's what you need and come back with a manageable (for you) posting schedule. And I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling a bit wobbly about the whole here-or-there thing!
ReplyDeleteCan't believe I missed this one; sorry for not being a good bloggy friend... Giving up anonymity sucks, doesn't it? so much I want to say, so much I can't. Want to swap blogs for a bit? (See you at Cybermummy; if you don't turn up I shall come and fetch you myself...) x
ReplyDeleteI think that we're not allowed to complain. Since we speak the same language as our chosen countries, we couldn't possibly find our immigration difficult.And, like all immigrants, we chose to immigrate, so we've create our own pain. I don't really know what to say about the blogging world. I'm not even on the fringes. I do know that my friend Anne gets right at the problem here: http://annecast.typepad.com/myblog/2011/04/the-2011-blogvention-the-web-presence.html
ReplyDeleteI'm wobbly this week too. I want it all to be here and there at once. Rather impossible really.
If you think it'd be more freeing for your writing, then it may be a great idea to start again with an anonymous blog.
ReplyDeleteGood to hear you are back in England. Now stay there.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Funny, I started our blog with our identities in front of everyone and now sometimes I wish I were a. Bit more anonymous because there are some really difficult parts to being an expat as you just mentioned. Hopefully once the jet lag wears off, you'll just be able to relish your time back here for a bit!
ReplyDeletewell i say have a fabulous time. and it can all become wearisome. i shall be uninspired and say, 'a change is as good as a rest'. because it usually is. x
ReplyDeleteI know this post is a couple of weeks old, but I just wanted to say I'm happy I found your blog and this post.
ReplyDeleteI've been in the US 14 years and only recently admitted to myself that I want to go home to England. I started a blog about our plans to move back and yours is a real inspiration. You write so well and so honestly - I want to be you when I grow up.